anxious | jack avery

5.

[jack]
entry #24
hi. it's been a few days since last time. um so basically it was really good 2 days you could say. better than the rest of the days i usually have. corbyn took us to the beach. we talked about our problems and feelings. i opened up about how i felt. i feel like i ruin the band sometimes. as much as the boys say not to think that we've all just fallen in a sad state. it's at the point where none of us usually laugh or smile. we're all just...empty. and i hate to make the band feel like that. the best part about the past few days...ugh it's...oh my god. so...i've always liked zach. yes zach herron. i mean i've always liked him i just refused to admit to myself that. and last night it gave in. he cuddled next to me last night and i massaged his slightly curly locks. he made me happy that night. he kissed me. he made me feel important. that i was loved. i sometimes wish i could return the love all the boys show me. it's not like i don't. it's just...they're all constantly caring for me. zach is always with me daniel consistently checks in on me. and corbyn makes me get out of the house. i feel like jonah hates me. before you even try to deny it...it feels like he does. i see him in the mornings and i'm just not optimistic...i guess he knows i made us like this. i didn't mean to did i? i didn't ask to be sad. it's not my fault anxiety can lead to depression. i don't want to fall down there. i have anxiety and that's painful enough. i don't want to make more problems for the band. i've done so many things that've hurt them. i ruin happiness. i ruin the good vibes that could've been the best moments of my life. but i was sad so it just ruins everything. i just...i just wish i didn't have to be in pain all the time. not even pain just sadness. it's stupid. i question myself...what if no one cares? i mean it's pretty attention seeking. the fans check in on me but they don't know how bad it can get. they don't know any of that. i try my best to control it. i...i even brought pills with me to calm my nerves. zach tells me to never use pills. none of the boys know i have pills. but they help. they really do. i'm always tempted to take more than 1. i can't take anymore. once i took 2. i was feeling terrible. more terrible than i feel on a daily base. your probably wondering: jack why not just fix it? why be suffering when you could help yourself? i try. ok? i try. i fucking try. i'm tired of fans always commenting to fix my issues and stop attention seeking a illness. do they think i'm ok with it? who would use an illness for attention? that's fucked up. and now i'm crying. and it's the morning time. zach tells me whenever your upset or going through things write it down. it helps. but his head is cuddled next to me. i'm wearing his shirt because it was freezing last night and he looks adorable. he's wearing a pink hoodie. just like the colour of his rosy cheeks. i don't want to move because ugh he's so cute. his little inhales and exhales and fluffy hair all messed up is the cutest thing i'll ever witness. ever. zach is the type of person i love so much it's like the light in my life. the hope to be happy. he makes me feel happy. i haven't felt happiness in a long time. and witnessing that last night makes me cry. which i'm crying right now but i'm trying not to be loud with sniffles. it's early and corbyn and daniel are probably asleep. i feel like jonah is always so excluded. it makes me upset. guilty. i steal everyone for myself. i wish he didn't hate me. jonah makes me breakfast every morning. he cheers me up. but deep down i know he doesn't like me. he never has. i've always been the problem. jonah is the one person who matters so much but no one cares to notice. it makes me feel sad that he never gets so much love. he's like the definition of actual kindness and happiness. zach is just a goof. my favourite goof. you know maybe i could try to make jonah happy today. i could get out of bed and...make food. or even take everyone out for food. it would be like a bonding day. i mean...it sounds nice? hopefully. ok i'll go get ready. i hear the shower on from jonah's room. i could wake up zach. i'll be unproblematic for one day. i'll make my brothers happy atleast. well i hope. corbyn's birthday is coming up. and i want it to be better than the rest of our birthdays. we all enjoyed daniel's. eben planned it. he's honestly such a lovable person. i don't deserve any of these people. i really don't. but maybe today i could make myself feel like i'm not a mistake and make myself happy by making my boys happy. it would be nice. ok my hand is cramping. i'm going to go now. i'll go make someone happy. jonah told me once that if you can't make yourself happy make others happy.