anxious | jack avery

4.

[jack]
nighttime. the worst time of the day. it was hard for me to sleep. it always has been hard. usually in the middle of the nights jonah comes to check in on me. then corbyn. daniel sometimes sleeps in my room. most of the time he does but corbyn was sleeping with him tonight. zach was really tired so i didn't want to bother anyone for them to sleep with me like i was a baby. ok jack just try for once. close your eyes. relax.
"jacky?"
my eyes slowly opened back up. zach stood in the doorway. his voice was still a little squeaky. his nose was definitely stuffy. like he was crying.
"yeah?"
i leaned up from my bed. it was freezing because i wasn't wearing a shirt. zach's eyes shifted from me to the window next to my bed. he walked over to my bed sitting down beside me. his head fell on my shoulder.
"zach what's wrong?"
zach let out a sigh getting up to draw things on the fogged window. i showed a little smile. his beautiful brown eyes were focused on two rain-droplets racing downward. i moved up next to him his eyes looking back at me again. with no smile. it wasn't like zach.
"i'm just scared for us" zach mumbled.
my head fell down as his hand crept onto mine. i let him hold it his soft fingertips were cold from drawing on the window. i brushed my curls out of my face trying to see zach even though it was dark he lit up everything. his little body and fluffy locks. i played with the curls in his hair as his hand untangled out of mine and slide down and up my shoulders massaging it. goosebumps were from the cold as he tried to rub them away.
"you don't have to be scared" i said softly.
i didn't want him to think something was wrong.
"but i am" zach's voice cracked.
my heart dropped.
"why?"
"i see how daniel walks in this house all lonely and empty. you barely even leave your room jack"
i didn't want to cry but i felt like it.
"i'm sorry zach" my voice whispered.
zach looked at me softening his expression letting his lips crack a smile.
"don't be sorry" zach said scooting closer on the bed.
"i mean i'm the mistake"
at this point i knew that i was going to cry. i didn't want to wake up the others so my sniffles went quiet.
"jack bubba"
zach wrapped his arms around me letting me fall on top of him on the bed because i was sitting sideways. i knew zach shouldn't see me cry. hell everything i did i regretted. i'm supposed to be the older and more mature one. instead i cry in zach's arms.
"your not a mistake" zach mumbled rubbing my back.
"anxiety is a hard thing ok? don't put yourself down for having panic attacks and anxiety every now and then. i'm here for you ok?"
i let my curls spring upward wanting to gaze in his eyes again. his eyes were softened. the hazel colour glistened as his cheeks stayed it's naturally rosy colour. it was the cute things about his personality and appearance that made me feel guilty i was crying in front of him and ruining his mood.
"why do you care about me so much?"
zach furrowed his eyebrows.
"because i love you"
the words made my cheeks sting inside.
"i love you a lot jack." he said softly.
"you don't have to" i said looking away.
my cheeks were so bright that the moons light indicated the fact i was blushing at the boy's words.
"listen to me" he said wiping the small tears out of my eyes and moving my hair back so he could see my eyes.
"you matter to me. a lot. no matter how you think of how much you may seem worthless it's not true. jack your the person who makes me happy in the worst situations. i love helping you and making you feel better. your anxiety or stress doesn't make me miserable if that's what you think. you mean the world to me jacky. you've always been my world in the first place."
zach looked down as he finished his sentence. at this point i was red. flushed.
"i love you zachy" i let out.
zach looked back at me. then down to my lips. he bit his lip as he looked back up. he leaned in putting his hand on my lap leaving a peck on my lips.
"i love you too"