anxious | jack avery

2.

[jack]
i sighed putting my journal away.
"can i come in?"
it was daniel.
"yeah yeah"
he closed the door and bounced on the mattress. i let my head fall into his lap as he played with my curls.
"you ok?" i asked after a while. he was looking dull. he probably didn't get any sleep last night.
"mhm" he mumbled. i know he was lying.
"c-can i see?"
he tilted his head upward so the tears in his eyes wouldn't fall onto my cheeks. but there were already tears on my cheeks from myself.
he brushed his hand onto my stomach as i pulled up his sleeve. the red marks on his wrists triggering my anxiety and heart rate.
"d-daniel..."
"i'm sorry."
"i thought corbyn..."
"...he took my keys today"
my hand caressed his cheek. his blue eyes looked like they were losing their colour.
"this is all my fault."
"jack it's not" he said looking away.
"please don't do it again"
he nodded. even though i knew that he couldn't stick to the promises we made. daniel's hand trembled as i held it and kissed it. he was suffering and it was my fault. my fault that the people i love were getting hurt.
"guys?"
it was corbyn. daniel rolled his sleeve down as corbyn walked in and sat next to daniel. i didn't make eye contact. my eyes were red. daniel closed his eyes as corbyn kissed his cheek and rubbed his back.
"can i have my keys back?" i mumbled.
corbyn didn't respond. i know the answer was no. he wouldn't let me go anywhere or let me use them as a coping method.
"jack we can't" jonah said coming in.
"where's zach?" i asked concerned.
i heard someone run up the stairs.
"i'm here? need anything? food?"
the shaking in zach's voice was the thing that made me weak. the strain. the worry.
"n-no" i stuttered out.
daniel silently cried. not even sniffling. just tears. corbyn moved behind to massage daniel's shoulders as jonah got up to kiss my cheek. zach couldn't look. he just couldn't. instead he dropped next to the doorway. hugging his knees and dropping his face down. zach cries quietly. and you can always here the little sniffles. jonah walked over to zach and picked him up on his lap. zach's tears were the most painful thing to go through. daniel noticed my face as he messed with my curls.
"don't look" he mouthed.
i didn't need to look to notice zach curled up in jonah's lap.
"do you all want to go on a drive?"
corbyn's way of relaxing was to drive up to the beach and hear the waves crash to shore. christina taught him that. he misses her.
daniel have no response as he picked me up.
jonah picked up zach who was no longer crying out loud. zach loses his voice when he cries. because his nose gets stuffy. corbyn gently opened the door letting jonah with zach go first. he stopped daniel at the doorway who carried me and took me from him. his gaze shifted down to daniel's wrist.
"i don't want it hurting more than it already does" corbyn whispered. i heard it though.
daniel hugged corbyn as i felt a tear fall on my cheek. it wasn't mine. it was daniel's when he leaned in for the hug. he kissed me before walking out silently. corbyn kissed my cheek.
"do you want front seat?"
i shook my head.
"i want to sit next to jonah" i said.
"ok" he said gently.
he closed the door with his foot as he walked out and put me in the backseat next to jonah and zach. i was the smallest so i went in the middle. i leaned my head on jonah as zach laid his head in my lap. his eyes were puffy. daniel slide in the passenger seat as corbyn interlocked their hands. corbyn squeezed it every time he looked over at us. jonah nodded as corbyn turned around and whispered.
"thank you"
i felt a tear on my cheek. it wasn't mine.
it was jonah's. and jonah never cries