anxious | jack avery

19.

[jack]
i closed the door slowly since zach was asleep and went downstairs. all the other guys were sitting at the table. it made me feel nervous. corbyn's eyes rose from his phone as he put it down and daniel's head turned to look at me. i broke eye contact with them both making my way towards the fridge and grabbing an apple. when i turned around daniel was still looking but i tried ignoring it as much as i could.
"i'm sorry."
i bit into the apple and looked up. daniel rose from his chair and made his way towards me. my heart rate started to quicken as my breathing got uneasy.
daniel's hands were in his pockets and he stood a distance away from me. corbyn and jonah looked at each other as they got up and walked upstairs. the room fell silent except for my extremely loud breathing which was annoying but i felt so nervous i couldn't control it. daniel broke the silence by putting his phone on the kitchen counter and looking up at me. he moved a little closer.
"...jack" daniel murmured under his breath.
i caught a glance at him as a tear fell onto daniel's cheek. his blue ocean eyes looked up at me as i didn't look away this time. instead i walked closer to him bringing my thumb to his cheek wiping his tear away. my hand dropped down to daniel's shoulders as i looked down to his wrists. daniel wasn't wearing a hoodie nor a full sleeve shirt. he was wearing a t shirt making his two cuts visible on his wrist. i sighed softly as i pulled my hand away and looked back at him.
"what?" i said with all the courage left in my voice.
daniel closed his eyes and walked to me wrapping his arms around me clutching on to me and squeezing me into a hug. i hugged him back as i kissed his shoulder.
then i heard daniel sob.
he cried into my shoulder as i rubbed his back up and down. my heart hurt at the fact he was crying.
this is all your fault jack.
i shook my head fighting back the tears i wouldn't let fall out of my eyes.
"it's ok" i whispered in his ear.
i rubbed his back as i heard daniel's sniffles. tears fell on the sleeve of my hoodie as daniel pulled away from the hug. part of me didn't want him to pull away. i just wanted to hug him and just tell him i'm sorry. even though i didn't even know what for.
"did i ruin your relationship" daniel murmured.
i shook my head.
"daniel stop"
daniel looked down and pulled up his sleeve. i looked down as i looked away quickly. i grabbed daniel's wrist softly pulling the sleeve down as the tears i was balancing on my eyelids finally fell. my heart broke.
"daniel you p-promised m-me" i stuttered.
tears streamed down my cheeks as daniel held my hand which made me look back at him. his broken blue eyes stared at mine as i looked down again. i gently pulled up his sleeve to reveal the new fresh cuts. there was 5 underneath the new ones which were healing but two new ones on top. my hand moved to daniel's pocket. i didn't feel his keys.
"razor" he said as he moved his wrist away.
i glanced back at him as daniel wiped away a tear.
"why are you crying?"
"why am i crying?" i said while ironically wiping away my tears roughly.
"daniel just because you aren't my boyfriend does not mean i don't love you." i cried.
"you mean so much more to me. all of you do. from jonah to corbyn to you to zach. you guys are my world. the ones who picked me up. the ones who helped me gain weight again when i wouldn't eat. or be there for me when i threw up from being sick. for taking away my keys so i'd be safe. e-everything you guys did was to keep me safe! so yes d-daniel i am c-crying. i'm crying because i love you."
i crouched down to the ground as i looked down and closed my eyes. everything in my will power was telling me not to cry. daniel crouched down next to me as he kissed my forehead.
"i'm sorry jack. i'm so fucking sorry."
i sniffled as i took a few deep breathes like corbyn would tell me to do when i would panic.
"p-promise me..." i muffled.
"promise you what?"
i took off my hood as daniel swept my hair out of my face. i brought up my hand.
"promise me." i said.
my eyes were puffy and my nose felt stuffy. daniel nodded as he showed his pinky as a promise.
"i promise. and i won't break it this time."
i forced a small smile as daniel laid his hand on my back helping me up.
"jack you look sick go take a shower ok?"
i nodded as i was about to walk away when daniel hugged me. his head buried in the crook of my neck as my hands wrapped around his waist hugging him tightly back. i kissed his cheek as jonah walked in. daniel let go of me.
"you ok?" jonah replied softly.
corbyn walked by him. i nodded as corbyn came over and gave a quick hug.
"i was thinking we could all go to dinner tonight?"
"ooo anything special?" daniel smiled.
"corbyn and i just wanted to have dinner with the guys c'mon say yes!" jonah pouted.
"ok fine but can we go in an hour? i need to shower"
corbyn nodded as he looked over to daniel.
"yeah i'll come"
"great jack wake up zach in time ok?"
i laughed as i quickly hugged jonah.
"jack you smell so bad"
"shut up i'm going" i giggled running up the stairs.
i looked back once as daniel smiled at me. i smiled back as i went inside zach and i's room.