Balancing Love ☞︎ A Jesse St. James fan fic

I Am Not A Puppet And This Asshole Wont Play Me As One!

The whole ride was silent. Back to the hotel I don't dare speak a word. I feel I would either start balling my eyes out or steam would emit from my ears with anger. I can feel Jesses gaze as he keeps looking back at me.

We leave the car and start making our way to our rooms. Still silent. I'm almost there, the door is in front of me and I am almost safe and alone in my room.

"Madi." Jesses voice speaks out. I squeeze my eyes shut. Damn. I turn around and raise a brow.

"What's up?" I ask. He looks at me like I'm insane.

"What's up? What's up is you suddenly becoming silent Samantha, over here. You're never silent." Jesse points out.

"Just not really in the mood for talking." I mumble.

"Since when?" Jessie asks after he lets out a loud scoff.

"It's nothing. Can I just go in my room, please?" I ask as if I really need to.

"No! I want you to actually tell me what's going on with you. When did you suddenly get so much less talkative than usual?" He asks specifically. Irritation blows through me like a wave. I have lost all strength to keep this in!

"Since I saw you kiss Rachel!" I shout in the middle of the hall. Feeling another presence, we both look down the ball and see an elderly couple standing in the opened elevator. We all keep eye contact as the old man presses a button. Later rather than sooner, the doors close and we're alone again.

I roll my eyes and turn back around to my door and swipe my card. I quickly walk in and try and slam the door but his hand comes down on it hard, making sure to keep it open. I cry out in frustration, leaving the door and walking deeper into the room.

"What are you doing? You can't just leave a conversation like that!" Jesse shouts, walking in after me. I spin around to glare at him.

"Why? You've done it plenty of times!" I shout back. He sighs loudly and closes the door behind him.

"Why are you upset that i kissed Rachel?" He asks me and actually has the nerve to look serious. When his expression doesn't change, I think he actually means it.

"You cannot be serious," I speak eerily calm. He gives me an expectant look. "Oh, come on! You flirt with me all the time, you act jealous, you kissed me for god sakes, Jesse! Do you think friends do that with one another?! Do you think that's normal?" I ask, my voice screeching throughout the room. Jesse remains silent though his eyes dart around the room, coming to mine every once in awhile. "No! They don't! You made me think you liked me, then you left. Then you came back and asked me to go on this bull crap trip with you, acting the way you always do and making me think once again that you actually feel something serious towards me!" I rant non-stop.

"Madi." Jesse tries desperately but I don't let him get a word in.

"No! No! No! Why did you even ask me to come? You didn't want to make amends with me; for that you would actually have to care! Did you want to crush me even more by showing me that you'd prefer someone else? Did you want to get my hopes up just to crush me even more?! What did you want? What did you think was going to come from this?!"

"I don't know!" Jesse interrupted me, his face red and voice enraged. "I have no idea what I was doing, what I was thinking. All I knew was that I wanted to see you. I wanted to understand what I was feeling and ignoring you, didn't help me find out." Jesse bursts out. The room goes silent. Neither one of us talks. Our heavy breaths remain the only noise in the room. Yelling seems to take a lot out of you.

"And did you? Figure it out. After all of this, after Rachel... Have you finally figured it out?" I ask, my voice leveled and calm. Jesse opens his mouth to respond but he stammers, his mouth gaping like a fish out of water. His eyes refusing to meet mine. I can't believe this... "I can't believe this." I mutter.

"Come on, Madi. You don't understand how hard this is. Feeling things for tw-"

"Don't I?!" I interrupt him. "I've felt things for you and I've had to deal with you leaving me for weeks. More than once! Now I find out this is the reason why?! I-I just can't deal anymore. I can't." I shout at him. I just want all this drama to be over with. I am not a puppet and this ASSHOLE won't play me as one!

I shake my head, letting it fall into my hands as I begin pacing the room. How do people deal with this? Is this worth it? Is he worth it?! I haven't even known him that long and I already feel so dependent on him! Why?!

"Madi, please let me explain." He cries out. I can feel his feet pad against the floor. My head shoots up and I immediately start backing away. I reach the wall and we both stop. A few feet between us.

"I want to go home." I speak, looking him dead in the eye.

"What?"

"I want to go home, and you have to take me," I say again. Jesses brows furrow. I ignore him, walking past to get my suitcase. I start packing up my things.

"What are you talking about Madelaine?" He asks, turning around to follow me.

"I want to go home. My father will kill you if he finds out you made me fly home alone." I specify. I keep packing and I try and try to ignore Jesse as he simply stares at me. Eventually, he sighs deeply and nods.

"Fine. I'll pack and get us a flight for tonight." Is all he says before walking out of the room.

I stayed in my room and stared off into space until a knock sounded throughout my room. I exhale deeply before getting up and grabbing my bags. The entire time I sat there, thoughts were whirring in my head and all I wanted to do was dance. But I couldn't get up. I was paralyzed and forced to think about the events and all the signs I should've seen before the kiss happened. This was a mess. The knock was ironically the only thing that knocked me out of it.

The plane home was silent. The cab to and from the airport was silent. Jesse told the driver to wait there as Jesse had to drop me off at the door. We silently walked up to the door. I knocked lightly and we waited... in silence. We ended up to be spending a lot of time in awkward silence these past few weeks. My father opened the door confused, but smiled widely and chuckled as he saw me.

"Hello, princess! Welcome back, did you have fun?" He ask, oblivious to the tension. I gave him a smile.

"I had the greatest time, dad. Made some new friends too." I told him before squeezing past him and into the house. I turned a corner and threw my back against the wall, breathing deeply. I felt a lot more free and relaxed.

"Hello sir, I'm Jesse. We've met once before." Jesse said, putting on his charm and acting as though nothing's wrong.

"Oh, why hello! I'm sure you took good care of my daughter? Kept her safe?" My dad asked.

"Of course, sir. It's my top priority." Jesse spoke with an intense sincerity. My dad paused for a moment and I didn't check to see what his face spoke about the emotion he felt.

"Well, good. I'm glad," My father spoke softly. "Goodnight, son."

"Goodnight, Mr. Rivers."

I hear the door close and I quickly make my way over to my room. I close my door and push all my bags onto the ground. I smile at the sight of my bed and crash into it.

Not soon after, I hear a knock on my door.

"Come in." I say, my voice muffled by the blanket. When I hear the door start to open I turn over and prop myself up by the elbow. There stands my father, leaning on the doorway. A slight concerned look on his face.

"You okay, princess? Anything happen over there in the exciting city of Lima?" He asks genuinely worried for me. It felt nice. I was glad to have him...

"It will be ok, dad. I just have to go through the motions. It might take awhile... but I'll be ok." I try and assure him. He gives me a small smile in return.

"Ok. I trust you." He says pointedly before closing the door behind him as he exits. My face drops and I continue to stuff my face in the blankets.