Never Let You Go

10. Now You Know

Lu Fei sat on the sofa, thinking about what to do. It had been one week and Yu Lin was out early in the morning. Again! For the entire week, Lu Fei didn't even see Yu Lin's face. As the gang problem was solved, Yu Lin forbade Lu Fei to come to the club as he was attracting too much attention and causing gossip from his colleagues. Lu Fei respected his decision only under two conditions; Yu Lin would only work in the VIP section and he would drive Lu Fei's old Honda.

As they were living together now, Lu Fei thought that he didn't need to go to the club to see him. However, things didn't go according to his thinking. For the first two days, he didn't dwell on his absence but it had been one week! He didn't want to interrogate Yu Lin in order not to make him uncomfortable but he was dying to know his whereabouts.

"Where the hell are you?" Lu Fei asked the empty house. From his tone, it was obvious he was not only curious but also disappointed. When he thought Yu Lin took a step closer to him, he just disappeared for a week, obviously feeling uncomfortable being with Lu Fei.

I will catch you tonight and you will tell me everything on your mind, Lu Fei murmured determinedly before leaving for work with an empty stomach. Again.

***

Lu Fei did what he planned.

He was sitting in the car in front of the club, waiting for Yu Lin to finish his shift. He checked the time again; 12.05. As it was Monday, he must have been done.

Five more minutes and Yu Lin was seen at the door. Lu Fei lowered the window and called his name.

"Why did you come?" Yu Lin asked while fastening his seat belt.

"Why? Did I irritate you by coming?" Lu Fei asked with a cold tone. Although he planned to be calm and reasonable, hearing Yu Lin's words upset him.

"No..." he took a deep breath, "I just didn't want to trouble you."

Lu Fei's heart melted but he didn't say anything. Yu Lin also felt the tension in the air so he kept his silence as well until they reached home.

"Can we talk for a minute?" Lu Fei stopped Yu Lin who was going to his room.

Yu Lin gulped as it wouldn't be something good based on Lu Fei's seriousness. Still, he nodded and sat on the sofa, his hands were folded on his lap. Lu Fei followed him and sat on the other end.

"Do you regret living with me?" Lu Fei asked directly. There was no use beating around the bush at one a.m.

Yu Lin's eyes were widened, "w...why did you ask such a question?" he asked with a shaky voice, "do I irritate you?"

Lu Fei shook his head very fast while saying "you are the best thing in my life but apparently you don't share this feeling."

"I...am not good with words but it doesn't mean that I am not happy here," he said, trying not to cry. He was too scared that Lu Fei would abandon him like everyone else did.

Suddenly, Lu Fei reached and wiped a stray tear from his cheek, making Yu Lin jump back.

Lu Fei retracted his hand, sighing heavily, he said "see? You would never accept me, you even leave the house early to avoid me." He stood up and went to his room with heavy steps, taking his broken heart with him.

Yu Lin continued to sit still, thinking his words although he didn't understand the part about leaving the house to avoid him. He was aware that if he kept his silence, he would lose Lu Fei forever, but the things he lived through weren't easy to say out loud.

While Yu Lin was trying to decide what to do, Lu Fei appeared in the entrance-way, getting ready to leave the house. Fear of losing the man took control of Yu Lin and made him rush to Lu Fei. As he couldn't grab his hand, he grabbed his shirt, "don't go please..."

Lu Fei looked at his hand holding his shirt with sad eyes, "I have to go, I feel trapped as I want something that I can't have..."

"I will tell you everything," he looked Lu Fei in the eye, "if you still want to listen."

Lu Fei thought for a second, then nodded slightly. They went back to the sofa.

"I'm not trying to avoid you," Yu Lin started, "I'm working in a cafe from morning to late afternoon." This part was easy to clarify.

"What?" Lu Fei was shocked as it wasn't written in the file he received.

"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you but you didn't ask, so I thought you didn't care."

Lu Fei shook his head, "of course I care, I almost went crazy thinking about it," he said honestly. As they were getting it off their hearts, Lu Fei decided to ask further, "you are working two jobs because of the money you borrowed from the gang?"

Yu Lin nodded with embarrassment. He was sure that Lu Fei thought he was stupid, borrowing from a gang.

"May I ask the reason for borrowing?" he continued hesitantly. He wanted to know everything but at the same time he was afraid to scare the younger.

Yu Lin nodded again, "I grew up in the orphanage," he blinked a few times to send his tears back, "there was this auntie cook Zhu, she treated me as if I was her own. I decided to study gastronomy because of her, you know."

Lu Fei smiled at him, reassuringly.

"Last year, she got hospitalized suddenly and the hospital called me as I was saved as 'son' on her phone... The doctor told me... she needed surgery as soon as possible," he gulped heavily, "I... I had no money so I borrowed from the gang... but... she still died at the end..."

"I am so sorry," Lu Fei wanted to lift his burden but what could he do?

They sat in silence for a while before Lu Fei asked "one more question then I will leave you alone. Can I?"

Yu Lin already knew the question. He didn't want to talk about it until the day he died, at least it was what he used to think. But somehow with a sudden urge, he wanted to share it with Lu Fei. "Why I don't like touching people, you want to ask about that."

"Yes, but if it makes you uncomfortable, you don't have to tell."

"My ex-boyfriend almost raped me with his three friends," he said in one breath. He was shocked when he noticed it wasn't that hard to say those cursed words.

"..." Lu Fei gaped with astonishment.

"I was working at another club by that time. One night, he came to the club with those low-life friends and drank litres of alcohol..." he stopped for a second to fight back his tears, "... when I finished my shift, I saw them waiting for me...that bastard tried to kiss me but I rejected as he was drunk as hell...but then...he got angry and they tore my clothes...their hands all over me...if...if my coworker didn't come on time..."

"Shh," Lu Fei stopped him as it was too painful to listen, let alone speaking about it, "you are so brave talking about this, I am proud of you." Then he went to his room, making Yu Lin puzzled but returned in a second with a thick blanket.

He wrapped Yu Lin with the blanket before encircling his arms around the blanket, "I'm not touching you, but you need some warmth, my little sushi roll."

Yu Lin stared at him for a while, thinking what he did in his past life to deserve such a man, then he leaned his head on Lu Fei's broad chest and let him give him the warmth he long needed.

Apparently, Yu Lin's need for warmth wasn't little as they fell asleep on the sofa, Lu Fei still holding his little sushi roll.