broken as i • a kylo ren story

vi (vi)

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"what is going on jaxx?" you managed to say without him interrupting you.

"care to explain why you lied? why you didnt tell me the truth right off the bat?" he said with a emotionless face.

"what are you talking about? why are you saying such things to me j?" you said, honestly confused on what was going on.

"you told me that night that you didnt know where mom, dad, nixon and nora went. after we moved to tatooine, you continued to tell me that. you lied. you lied kuts! you lied and said you didnt know! you lied and never even bothered to tell me the truth! you lied! you lied!" he screamed at you, tears starting to run down his face. this. this is exactly why you didnt want to tell him from the beginning. you knew it would break him. all you wanted to do was protect him, but of course he didnt see it that way. he saw it as you not thinking he would understand it. he saw it as you plain out lying- and he wasn't completely wrong about that. you technically did lie to him, but for all the right reasons. you lied to protect him, protect him from the truth that would shatter his heart- and it was pretty obvious that it was. in this moment, you felt horrible. you felt guilt, you felt his pain. seeing him suffer made your heart shatter- or what was left of it. your family leaving broke you. even though you didnt show it much, it hurt you. you suffered in silence for the most part, crying in your room alone. you didnt want your brother seeing you like that because then he would be suspicious, and you didnt need that. you didnt need him figuring it all out on his own (because you knew he was fully capable of that). you didnt have the guts to tell him the full-hearted facts. you couldnt bring yourself to do it. so, you just keep feeding him lies. you knew it would come out one way or another- but not this way, no. then it hit you...how did he even know this?

"who told you?" you plainly asked him, wiping the tears away with your hand. you knew that these tears were not going to be the last of the night. night? wait was it night? or day? you had no clue, and in the moment, you didnt really care. all you cared about was calming jaxx down and solving all of this.

"ky-" he starting saying. after those 2 letters, you completely zoned out. kylo ren. kylo ren was the one who told your brother the truth. you were seeing red. you were furious. who did he think he was, telling your brother this information? even though you didnt properly tell kylo not to tell your brother the information you were revealing to him, you thought he would be smarter than that. did he do this to just piss you off? did he do this to just prove a point? that he was powerful or something? whatever it was, you were fuming. smoke practically coming out if your ears. then you started coming to your senses. how could you have been so clueless? what else would kylo talk to your brother about? he did indeed keep his promise, it was obvious he hadnt touched your brother at all, but what he did do...well that could be equal to laying his hands on him. but why? why did he have to go out of his way to tell your brother all this? that part confused you. that part was the part that continued to fuel your rage. didnt kylo ren, the commander of the first order, have the common sense not to tell jaxx this stuff? was kylo secretly just a ginormous idiot?

snapping you out of your train of thought, jaxx continued on with his rant, "at least he was decent enough to tell me the truth. a complete stranger! over my sister? told me the truth about my family. how did he even know this stuff? w-" cutting jaxx off, you replied to him while staring at the wall that was directly behind your brother.

"because i told him." you knew that now was not the time to lie to jaxx. telling the complete truth to him was in your best interest, even though it hurt him even more. as the words fell out of your mouth, you realized just how bad it sounded. you told a complete stranger (for the most part) the truth about your family, before you told your own brother. this thought truly brought you to your senses. you couldnt blame kylo for this- no. you were to blame for this situation. sure, you could be mad at him, but not blame. you hated yourself in this moment. there was no escaping this. you had to face the consequences of your own stupid, dumb mistakes.

"you- you told kylo ren before you told me?!your own brother? ho- how could you! how can a person even live like that! i cant believe this. what kind of sister even does that? i- i- i cant right now." those words hurt you. they truly hurt you. they pained you. they caused physical pain to you. your heart was aching from it and it hurt. it hurt like fucking hell.

"im sorry jaxx. there is no apology that can make up for the pain you are feeling. trust me, i know. i went through it...and i still am. i- i did it to protect you. to ke-"

"protect me? how many times do i have to tell you, i am not dumb! i am not stupid! why didnt you just tell me?!" you could hear the pain in his voice. your heart ached even more from the sound of it.

"jaxx, you know that i know you are not dumb. you are one of the most intelligent people i know. but like i said, i did it to protect you. to protect you from the very pain you are feeling now. and i regret not telling you from the start. i regret it with all of my life. but i cant go back to the past. i love you so much jaxx, and i didnt mean for this to happe-"

"well what did you expect? t- that i was just never going to find out? you knew that that wouldn't happen. you knew that it wasnt going to work out like that. you knew, or i hope that you were smart enough to know, that it would get out soon enough."

"i know jaxx. and that is why i said i regret it everyday. im sorry that mom and dad caused you...us this pain. i wish it wasnt this way. i truly do."

"i do as well. i hate you y/n. i hate you." hearing those 4 words come out of jaxx's mouth caused your heart to feel as if it were just ripped out. your only family left, telling you that they hated you, only because they couldnt understand that what you did was to protect them. your heart felt as if it had disappeared. vanished. you felt this void in the spot where your heart should have been. you felt empty. you felt broken. even more broken then before, if that was even possible. before you could respond, the door swung open to reveal the same troopers as before that told you they would come back to get you fitted.

"are we walking in on something?" the trooper to the right spoke up as you wiped your eyes, standing up while doing so.

"no. no you are not. i would like for me to be transferred to a different room. preferably far away from here." your brother said as he walked out of the room. he didnt even bother to look back at you- he just, walked out.

"i hate me too." you whispered to yourself. the troopers than turned their attention to you. you looked like a hot fucking mess. "just give me a minute alright? and why dont you people knock?" you told the stormtroopers as you shut the door. you went to the bathroom and splashed the water on your face, hoping that would help a bit- it didnt. you looked into the mirror and almost didn't recognize yourself. you looked so... broken, empty, lonely. you knew this would take some time to heal from and you were not prepared for it. you tried to gather yourself as you opened the door to go with the stormtroopers. this time, they didnt grab onto your arms like before. instead, they just walked side by side to you. walking to get fitted, you caught a glimpse of jaxx going down the hall. 2 troopers were next to him as well. you assumed they were leading him to his new room. in this moment, you felt simply shattered. completely and utterly shattered.

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authors note

jaxx went offfff. but stuff is going down, and it could go either way at this point. more updates coming soon!!

-i.t