broken as i • a kylo ren story

i (xx)

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you continued to dash down the halls, making your way over to your favorite hangar.

you sat down and silently sobbed in your hands. nobody was in the hangar since it was nighttime, which brought almost an eerie feeling.

after crying for a good 15 minutes, you made your way back to your room. you hoped that kylo had already left, and you were relieved to see no trace of him when you entered.

you decided if you were going to leave, you needed to tell jaxx before anything else. you needed to be the one who he heard this from, not kylo or etta and piers.

since it was nighttime, you were hesitant to go over to his room. you were scared that you were going to wake him up from his sleep, but to much of your surprise- he was wide awake.

"hey kuts, whats up?"

"can...can i come in?" you asked.

"of course. come and sit. is everything okay?" he walked back over to his bed.

you were fearful that you telling him what you were set to do was going to make him angry or even worse...in pain. you stayed quiet for a little while, but finally toughen up and spoke.

"i am going to leave this place jaxx. just for a little while. i really need this time. time to heal, time to recover, time for myself. i know that i dont usually think about myself much and lately i have been doing it a lot, and if you want to come- you can totally come. but, if you are up against the idea, i wont go. i-"

"go." he simply said. even though he opposed the idea of you leaving him on this ship, he knew that you really needed this. if you leaving was going to help you, he would support it.

"what?"

"go. i can tell you need this kuts."

"so, you support the idea? are you coming with me?" you started to get excited, only for the excitement to leave your body within a second.

"i support the idea of you getting help, but no. i am not coming with you."

"why not? if you arent going, im not either."

"i feel...at home here. i cant believe i am saying that, but it is true. i have found a family at the first order, and i am actually happy. but, i want you to go kuts. no, i need you to go. you need to stop worrying about me, and all of the people that care about you. you need to start caring for yourself and if that means leaving, then so be it. we support it 100%. anyways, you need to do something for yourself for once. and how many times do i have to tell you, stop babying me kuts! i am fine by myself, it will all be fine!" he laughed.

you took in every single word that he said. he sounded like he truly did support your decision, which made you happy.

"i will come back, j. i will be back before you know it." you smiled as you pulled him into a tight hug.

"i know kuts. i know." and he really did. he knew that you would return, hopefully as a better and happier version- free of all your pain and suffering.

"i love you jaxx. dont forget that okay?"

"never in a thousand galaxies." he let go of you. "now go. go kuts. do what is right for you, i will be waiting for you when you return."

"okay jaxx. i will see you soon." you headed for the door and went back into your room.

you didnt want to say goodbye because, well....it wasnt goodbye. you would return and come back better than ever.