broken as i • a kylo ren story

ix (xlvii)

  •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

kylo woke up from his 7 hour slumber that had included no troubles whatsoever. there was usually some sort of pain in the ass type thing when it came to his sleep, but surprisingly none of that had occured last night.

no nightmares, no voices talking to him, no visions- just...nothing but sleep.

kylo rolled out of bed and started to get ready. he took a hot shower, and quickly wrapped his towel loosely around his toned body. it didnt take long for him to get ready for the day, but before he took off- he applied a generous amount of the hair product you adored.

he thought about if you had adored the product more than him, and he came up with the answer to the question fairly quick- product>him.

he grabbed his lightsaber and was off to the cell he was at just ast night-just like he told himself and the troopers.

both stormtroopers were already awake, cc-5380 looking more alive than she did yesterday. kylo immediately turned his attention over to hz-2059- completely ignoring the girl who he had his back facing almost instantly after entering.

kylo could see the fear in the mans eyes, but he simply ignored it because that wasnt his priority at all. kylo ignited his saber, not wasting any time at all and just like last time, made a very deep wound on the troopers body.

instead of it being on his arm like cc-5380, he made the cut on the mans leg.

the man let out a loud scream, and both his legs flinched-causing the wound to go almost all the way down his leg.

kylo put his saber away and took in a small breath. this cut was far larger than the one he gave cc-5380, and he knew that meant more energy was going to be drained out of him.

before he stuck his hand out, kylo said to himself in his head "you got this". he could feel his anxieties rising, due to the fact his mind was starting to get doubtful.

he rushed out of the room and into the hallway extremely swiftly. when he did, the guard that was outside, monitoring the cells looked right at him. he gave the first order worker a deadly stare as he tighten his fists, causing him to immediately turn his attention to the wall infront of him.

kylo dashed back to his room, slamming the door behind him. he walked over to the book where all of his knowledge about force healing started, and began reading it over again- almost trying to calm him down...or even trying to reassure him in a sense.

within minutes, he was done and allowed his mind to drift off.

why was he being so uncertain? so...unsure?

it knew that he was beyond capable of doing this, yet he was almost afraid that he wasnt.

then he realized why...fear.

he was scared because if for some odd reason he wasnt able to pull this one off, then it was over. the chance of you surviving would be gone.

kylo knew that the cuts, the bruises, the amount of damage that your body was under was way more than this lightsaber wound that he gave the trooper- and that terrified him.

he knew that that meant he would have to use way more energy, way more concentration, and just way more effort all around. he was willing to do that 100%, but he was fearful that his body wouldnt submit to it.

he needed to heal this trooper to give himself that final push to finally go over to the medbay and do it for real. all of this practice was so that when the real thing came around, he was prepared and knew for a fact he could do it. so the possibility of it not working was a big deal because that meant all of it was for nothing.

he didnt need those types of thoughts in his head because it brought him doubt-which also brought his likelihood of succeeding down with it because if you believe you cant, you wont.

he walked over to his bathroom and stared into the mirror. "you can do this. ignore it all, and just focus."

he ran out of his room the second he finished his sentence, not allowing his negative thoughts to start rolling in before they started to take over. he opened up the cell door with the force, and immediately made his way over infront of hz-2059.

the saber cut was still very much fresh, and the man was still very much in pain. kylo shut his eyes, not wasting any time to begin. he extended his hand and started to focus on his breathing, then the force.

he felt his connection with the force to be very strong within only 3 minutes of really reaching out to it, and soon after he started to feel the pull of his energy being taken out of him. kylos confidence started to rise immediately because of this-causing the healing process of the man to go even quicker than before.

soon enough, that feeling of losing energy stopped and so did kylos heart. he needed it to be that when he opened his eyes, the cut was no longer there. he kept them closed for a couple seconds longer, until he quickly opened them up-almost like he was trying to get it over with, like ripping off a bandage.

kylo let out a small yet relieved breath as he saw that the cut was no longer visible. he knew before that he could do it, but for some reason this really confirmed it for kylo-which he wasnt mad about.

with the confidence that he got back only seconds ago, he darted out of the small place he was in and headed for the infirmary.

he didnt waste any time doing so, not even allowing any other first order personnel to greet him in the hallways. he also didnt even let hz-2059 say anything about his freshly healed wound either.

only a couple of corners to turn before reaching the medbay, kylo instantly felt this almost overbearing sense of tiredness. he then remembered that in the forcehealing book that he was reading, it mentioned extreme exhaustion after the process of healing larger wounds due to more use of energy.

"fucking dammit." he muttered to himself as he straightened his back, trying to ignore the feeling he was experiencing.

he didnt need some of his stupid drowsiness preventing him for saving you. he was mad, almost disappointed in himself that he wasnt strong enough to avoid some sleepiness from forcehealing.

each step closer he took to the medbay, the heavier his eyes got. "do it-" he started saying to himself before he began to almost fell asleep standing up.

even though he hated it, he knew that he wouldn't be able to heal you in the state that he was in. he needed to be well rested because the amount of energy he was going to use on you was going to be even more that what he used on the troopers small wound- well, small compared to yours at least.

he made his way back to his quarters extremely slowly due to how fatigued he was. when he finally reached it, he immediately fell onto his bed without any hesitation. though it wasnt even 1pm, sleep consumed kylo instantly as his head reached his pillow and his body sunk into the mattress.

"just a small nap, and then i'll go straight to the infirma-" he didnt even get to finish his little note to self comment before he fell into a extremely deep and long slumber, with his mind focused only on you.

   •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

authors note

AHHHH im back, but i dont think it is appropriate to say 'and better than ever' because that would be a liE LMAOOO but im so so sorry for not updating in what felt like forever even to ME, but i am hopefully back on the bandwagon on writing. school is definitely taking up way more time than i thought it would, and i apologize for that. but, i hope you enjoyed and lots of interesting things are to take place vv soon <33

                                                                        -i.t