broken as i • a kylo ren story

v (xxiv)

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

kylo woke up from the same utopian dream that you had. his mind was spinning, and all of the emotions he tried to push back- came at him like a speeding train.

he should have been the one of run away. he should be the one that fears love more than you. he should be the one to push you away and never look back.

but that just wasnt the case.

it almost made kylo mad in a sense that you were more broken than him.

how could a person even think that? especially about the person they love- loved?

did kylo still love you? he didnt know. he didnt even know if when the words spilled out that night he meant them. i mean, how could he still love you- if he did ever love you in the first place, after you pulled a stunt like that?

these were the questions that kept kylo thinking 24/7. new ones would appear and take over, distracting him from the question he was dwelling on just a few hours ago. he couldnt seem to stop his- what seemed to him, never ending train of questions...thoughts.

it wasnt like he had anyone to go to and talk about this with. everyone he was near was either scared or hated him. he tried asking his grandfather for assistance, but he got no answer- as usual.

kylo has attempted to reach out to him many times before, but he always failed.

did darth vader see kylo has a failure? a failure because of how the pull to the light is getting stronger each day?

kylo decided that he needed to resist the pull...for the sake of continuing what his grandfather started. but was that what kylo truly wanted? or was that what snoke had shoved into his brain all those years ago while training him?

"no. i will resist the pull for the sake of the first order and my own well-being." kylo stated out loud, hoping that if he announced it to himself that he would start believing it. but he knew what he was saying was false.

if he was truly doing it for himself, then why was it causing him so much pain?

kylo realized that the reason why he was refraining was because if he did just surrender to the light, that would mean that you won...in a sense. it wasnt like you were purposely trying to get him to the light, but it still felt as if he did- it would mean he was defeated by a person who broke him, and he couldnt have that.

he needed to be the winner of this battle. even if it caused him a great deal of suffering.

but kylo thought for a split second, what is so bad about giving up? if it rids this agony, then why not just submit? if it means being able to be with you, so be it.

wait...no. it would show weakness. it would so vulnerability, and softeness. it would show defeat.

kylo hated how conflicted he was. it angered him how human he acted. sometimes he just wished that he was born without a heart, so it would make life easier. but having a heart was what made life enjoyable for him. it meant that when he was with you, he was able to actually feel the joy that came with your presence. but it also meant that he was able to feel the sorrow that came with your departure.

kylo felt so two-faced about so many matters in his life. he needed to find a solution to help. to help for just a small period of time.

why not hit the gym?

kylo quickly changed into some workout clothes and dashed down to the training room. since it was the middle of the night, it was completely empty. kylo grabbed some extremely heavy weights and started to begin his workout.