broken as i • a kylo ren story

ix (xxviii)

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"su...supreme leader?" a general said as he nervously stood in the doorway.

kylo whipped his head towards the direction of the voice, and took in a deep breath. "what do you need?"

"i...we just wanted to inform you that everything is in place for the attack. weapons, men, everything. if you really wanted to, we could get your prep-"

"no. not yet. i will tell you when the time is right. now go." kylo said as the personnel quickly exited the room.

it had been almost 2 weeks since that meeting where he notified about the plan. it had actually taken the first order a fairly longer time then usual to get prepared for this mission, but kylo wasn't complaining.

since then, he had training nonstop, each and everyday- for multiple hours. he wasnt sure why he was though, he knew for a fact he could take down luke within a few minutes. but something in him was telling him to prepare for a battle- a real...dirty one.

kylo had almost become obsessed with the long overdue operation that was suddenly about to happen. he had dreamed of this day to come, yet here he was- pushing it back.

one of the reasons why he was acting like this was because this entire assignment took his mind off of you. he distracted him for a good amount of time, and he was beyond glad about it. thinking about you weakened him, and he didnt need any of that right now, at all. he needed to be strong, fearless, fierce- all of the things he was when you werent in his line of thoughts, right now because he was going to be facing his old mentor.

his old, jedi, force sensitive uncle.

another reason why he was acting in such a way was because the concept of taking down the man that he took ever so long to find, gave him adrenaline.

high speed, mind consuming adrenaline.

he hadnt felt such way since he was last wit- no.

kylo physically shook his head, trying to get the images and memories of you out of his mind.

he was done with you. you meant nothing to the man. absolutely, entirely- nothing.

"she doesnt mean a single thing to you. she left you." he told himself with looking in a nearby training room mirror. "she doesnt love y-" kylo suddenly smashed his fist into the gigantic mirror and scattered the whole thing within seconds.

kylo sometimes- but rarely, forgot just how strong he was. for a split second every couple of months, maybe even years- kylo thought that he was still that little jedi-training boy.

he would forget how much destruction he had brought to the galaxy. he would forget how much suffering he had caused his family. he would forgot all of it, and he couldnt lie- it felt pretty darn good.

but, he had to snap out of it.

this was the path he chose. this is the right path in his life. he made the correct decision- right?

kylos conflict started rising again, and it was stronger- stronger than last time. the feeling it brought was pure confusion, and kylo hated it. he hated feeling lost and demented. he liked it better when his vision was nothing but clear, and he hadnt felt that in a long time.

kylo quickly left the room and ordered for someone to clean up his mess. he went back to his room and instantly hit the shower. the flashbacks of the 2 of you in there together resurfaced for kylo. all of those emotions and feelings for you resurfaced along with it.