broken as i • a kylo ren story

xix (xxxviii)

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the command shuttle started to rumble and the ramp lowered soon after. kylo stepped out and immediately headed for the main control room. he needed to be in and out because he couldnt risk even seeing a glimpse of you.

he knew that just a brief look would make him disregard everything that he had been telling himself for the past months.

he couldnt let that happen. he couldnt fall for you again.

"general hux, the mission is complete- of course." kylo to the redhead with confidence.

"excellent. with or without any complications?" he knew that this would tick the supreme leader off.

"what do you think?" kylo stepped closer.

"i hope and assume none."

"well then, you are correct." he walked away and rushed over to his quarters.

he shut the door and quickly stripped of his clothes. he needed to get them off of him, they felt dirty- they felt like pure darkness.

though kylo thought that that would make him want to wear them even longer, it actually made him want to take them off faster. he made his way over to his bathroom and ran a burning hot shower.

he let his dark black hair soak under the water as he closed his eyes. sure enough, the only thing he could see was you.

but then, he saw his mother.

and then luke.

and then anakin.

he didnt waste any time to whip his eyes back open. he finished his shower within seconds and left the bathroom swiftly. he proceeded to go into his closet to get some clothing, and when he reached for a pair of pants, he had another flashback of you. it was from the time when you were screaming at him with joy to try on the outfit you put together for him.

he quickly gathered the clothes he needed and dashed out. he got dressed the. headed over to his desk. maybe writing something would get his mind off of you?

when he picked up a blank piece of paper, he instantly saw yet another event that took place previously. this time, it was of you sitting on the desk and ranting about how happy you were that jaxx forgave you. kylo walked over to his bed, where the same thing happened.

memories of him holding you in his arms. flashbacks of the 2 of you talking about literally everything.

he sat right back up and opened his door. he made his way to the closest training room, where he finally wasnt picturing you as intensely anymore.

he couldnt get you out of his head and it was freaking him out. maybe it was because he was so nervous about accidentally running into you? kylo knew that he couldnt bare to be reminded of you everywhere he went, yet he also couldn't bare getting his heart shattered either.

you continued to look at the stars from the inside of the tie fighter. hundreds of them sparkled in the sky with such beauty. you were already starting to get closer and closer to the finalizer, and your anxiety was eating at you. the thought of seeing kylo, jaxx, and etta and piers excited you, but also scared you.

what did they didnt want to see you?

you pushed that idea aside because you knew that it was false. they all cared for you tremendously, so of course they would love to see you again. you couldnt help but focus on kylo the most though.