Squire (Male x Male) (Wattys Shortlist 2021 & 2022)

Chapter 7 - The Bachelors

"You already knew," I challenged Richard after a long pause, remembering the expectant expression that had been written on his face. "Somehow, although I have disclosed it to nobody, somehow you already knew." I paused again but he said nothing, which told me everything. "Perhaps you knew even before I met you. Tell me, have I established the truth?"

Richard sighed.

"In a manner of speaking, yes. I was hoping to find a confidant, someone I could confide in completely. I needed to disclose my secret before it drove me mad, but it had to be the right person. Ideally, someone who carried the same burden.

"You were recommended to me by a trusted source. I have never had a candid conversation with this person about my ... penchants, but he is observant beyond most, and most likely conjectured about me. And so, it would seem, he also observed you. He then told me that you and I may have more in common than might be apparent on the surface. What exactly was in common was not specified but implied with tone. And so, I set up lunch with you to make your acquaintance and find out more."

"Sir Tristan," I inferred. "He knows about me?"

"Suspects, rather than knows, I think. But he can be trusted, although I doubt you need to tell you that."

My head fell into my hands. I could hardly believe I was having this conversation.

"You seem distressed. I did not intend to make you uncomfortable."

"I have just confessed to you what I promised myself I would never say aloud."

"And I admire your integrity," Richard replied sincerely. "You must understand that there has to be a certain level of trust, a level of discretion, that accompanies a discussion such as the one we have just had. From both sides," he added.

"From both sides," I agreed, understanding that he was trying to convey that neither of us had a true advantage over the other.

"And so, today we both made our judgements on how far to extend our mutual trust. I feel this has been a major step in our camaraderie, and I hope you feel it too. Does it not feel good to speak of the impediment we carry? To share the burden?"

Currently it was most certainly not feeling good to be imparting this information after holding it so close to me for so long. Even if it was to Richard, and even if he was confessing the same.

"It may once I am used to it," I attempted to sound optimistic.

We continued playing in silence for a few minutes, during which time I turned over in my mind what I might have done differently that might have swerved me away from this outcome. Perhaps if I had been more careful around Sir Tristan, Richard would not have sought me out to be his confidant.

It was possible that Richard saw the concern written on my face.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

"Vexed that I did not conceal my affliction as well as I thought I had," I replied.

"It is not always easy to hide," he replied kindly.

"You appear to have done it well," I reasoned. "I would not have guessed your secret if you had not revealed it to me."

"Perhaps," he shrugged. "But remember that Tristan made the deduction about me as well as you. And in turn, that caused me to have a preconceived notion about you before I even met you. Therefore, my own observations about you were not objective. Besides," he continued, "keeping this to myself was driving me to the edge of sanity. Do you not find that constantly hiding part of yourself very tiring?"

"It is relentless," I agreed.

Richard sighed.

"In a few weeks' time I shall be turning twenty-two, and the pressure is mounting for me to find a bride, since my two older siblings are married. My father grows exasperated with me."

"What will you do?" I asked him.

"I cannot say," he replied. "I have no grand plan. It seems my only course of action is to keep rejecting the maidens that present themselves."

I realised then, that I was in a better position than Richard in many ways. I was not in the public eye and nobody was urging me to marry. In that moment I understood better why he was keen for someone he could talk to about it. Who could truly understand that this predicament was not a choice, except someone who felt the same way? And who better to trust with this information, than someone who needed your trust in equal measure? If I were in his situation, would I not have sought someone as he had?

"I do not envy your position," I offered.

"It is not as a bad as it could be," he mused. "My parents married for love and want the same for their children. They are unlikely to force my hand. It makes the situation awkward, but not dire."

"Your parents will not wait forever," I pointed out.

"Nor can they force me to fall in love," he countered.

"But they can force you to marry?"

"In theory," he replied. "But I would make every effort to argue against it without exposing myself." He paused as he made his next move in our game. "It seems we are fated to be bachelors, you and I."

"And nobody knows it except us, with the possible exception of Sir Tristan." I gave Richard a sad smile, to let him know I understood.

"Indeed," he mirrored my action. "And that is how I think it should stay. Do you not agree?"

"Absolutely," I agreed.

Richard reached for the bottle of wine and held it towards me.

"So, now that we have revealed all there is to reveal, perhaps you will now accept an invitation to drink with me, since I suspect that may have been the purpose of your restraint?"

I shuddered. He may have worked out one reason why I had never accepted the wine, but he did not realise that not everything had been disclosed. There was still plenty of reason for me to keep my wits about me.

"And give away my advantage?" I jested, nodding towards the game as I spoke.

Richard looked incredulous.

"Is this the only way for you to envisage a win? To maintain such an advantage?"

"Is this the only way for you to envisage a win? To persuade your opponent to suffer an impairment?"

Richard's smile grew as he studied my expression. I hoped my bluff was working.

"I did not imagine you were so competitive, Sebastian," he said, still scrutinising me. I smiled and let him think whatever he wanted. It was better than risking him finding out I was in love with him.

"Play," I responded, nodding towards the board.