Squire (Male x Male) (Wattys Shortlist 2021 & 2022)

Final Word

If you're reading this, it probably means you've read 'Squire,' so first, thank you for joining me on my writing journey.

You may be wondering why I wrote 'Squire.'

If so, read on; I have another story for you.

When I was fifteen years old, I went to a friend's birthday party. For a variety of reasons, I ended up in a dark corner in an alleyway around the side of their house, making out with someone the same gender as me ... and enjoying it.

And, a bit like Richard and Sebastian in the stables, we were caught by our peers.

Of course, the news spread round my school like wildfire. Suddenly I found myself walking down the corridors of the school, alone, ridiculed with fingers pointed at me and whispering wherever I went.

My life had been pretty sheltered until then. Certainly, nobody had explained sexuality to me, and I didn't really understand what was happening.

But I soon knew all about what the word 'gay' meant because it followed me around like the whispers did.

The word 'bisexual' didn't even enter my vocabulary until a lot later, so I didn't even have words I could use to explain anything, even to myself. I knew I wasn't 'gay,' but I also knew I wanted to do more with the person I'd been kissing, so what did that make me? I didn't even know.

Some kind of freak, I decided.

So, I spent a lot of time alone, confused, hurt and feeling betrayed.

The person I had been kissing at the party stayed with me in a (secret) relationship for about a year after that. Much like Sebastian and Richard, we managed to keep it quiet for about eight months. But inevitably we were discovered, and soon our relationship was public knowledge and we were being ridiculed. (Again.)

It was during this time that my partner's mother passed away unexpectedly. But everyone was so focused on us being 'gay' together that nobody saw the suffering, the hurt, the crying or the funeral preparations. Very few showed compassion for a good person that had lost a parent far too soon, and all just eight weeks before some important school exams.

Apparently disparaging the whole 'gay' thing was more important to our peers than helping with the heartache associated with the loss of a close family member.

At sixteen, despite what we'd both been through, my partner got up in front of a room full of people at that funeral and did the most heartfelt emotional speech I've probably ever heard. I could not have cried harder or been prouder.

And incredibly, despite everything that was happening at school and the loss of a parent, my partner still took those exams and passed with flying colours. That is some serious strength of character, and I wish I possessed that kind of courage and determination.

But the pressures of society and the expectations of other people took its toll, and four months later, we parted ways before our mental health deteriorated to the point of no return. Not because we didn't want to be together, but because at sixteen, neither of us had the mental or emotional tools needed to be able to handle what the world was throwing at us.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if that external pressure hadn't been there, and the people around us had been more accepting of a same sex relationship. Would we have stayed together? I guess we'll never know.

Which brings me back to the book.

I'm sure there are some that will say 'Squire' is not very realistic.

I know. That's entirely the point.

I've been through the realistic version of this story, and it wasn't pleasant. Although we were lucky enough never to experience physical abuse as a result of our sexuality, both of us found the mental abuse tough. And sadly, I know our journey is not unique.

So, minus the poison, this story is my 'coming out' the way I would have wanted it. Under my terms. With the person I wanted to be with, my 'Prince Richard.' In a world where people were more or less accepting of such relationships, once they were exposed to it and saw reason. In this dreamworld, it would be the minority who opposed it, not the majority.

I wrote a fairy tale because it's the epitome of fantasy. In a fairy tale it can all be perfect, and the protagonist can have the prince, or the relationship of their choice, and everything works out well in the end.

I wrote it so that I could read it back and be immersed in a world where a relationship like the one I had at sixteen could have had a happy ending.

My hope is that one day love and tolerance will win over hate in this world too.

So, whatever your beliefs, whatever your gender, colour, orientation or religion ... thanks for reading 'Squire' and supporting what's ended up being a very personal journey.

May you find the person of your dreams and be happy together.