Letter Five

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Dear Selene,

Nothing I said mattered.

I was many things back then.
Heartbroken, confused, unsure,
and much more.
But a cheater?
No ma'am.
That was energy I did not
fuck with at all.

But I know why you took Oscar's side
after our secret kiss came out.
He's family.
At the end of the day, he's family.
To be honest, I expected
that much from you.

What I didn't expect was the
bitter battle we fought after.
What I didn't expect was the
need you had to twist the knife
your cousin left lodged in my back.

I thought being called a f____t
twice in my life would be bad enough.
Not because I was a f____t.
But because I wasn't a f____t
and people kept feeling the need to
slap that label on me.
That label that didn't feel right at all.

I didn't like it.

But then you,
in your rising anger,
called me something else.
Something worse than f____t.
Because what you called me
only brought more confusion.
More confusion that my heart almost
couldn't bare the weight of.

He-she.

This, this term,
you had to know it
would mess with me
the way it did.
You had to have.
If not, then why even say it?
He-she. This, this in between of something that wasn't me.
That held no room for
Samuel or Stella.
He-she.

Deafness rang in my ears
as you took Stella away
piece by glittery piece.
Tried to force me back into the
blue box I never felt at home in.
My lesson of machismo didn't end until the rising yellow moonlight filled the black sky.

Phoebe was my first true loss.
Oscar was my first heartbreak.
And you, my dear Selene,
were my first betrayer of confidence.

And it was for that reason that you were the one who:
a) wronged me,
b) failed me, and
c) missed all the signs.

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