Killing Samuel and Moving On

Letter Five

Dear Page,

I will forever be grateful
for the journey you took me on
as the snow melted and the leaves turned a fresh shade of green.

The slow understanding
of how things would be changing
for me.
How things would be harder in the beginning because of my more masculine features.
You were the one to give me the strength to deal with the hate that would definitely come my way.

And you were there to teach
my parents too.

The time had come to move on.
To reapply and find my place in the academic world once more.
My offer back home still stood.
But it was Portland
where I felt I belonged.
So it was Portland
where I decided to stay.

With you and Feebs, that is.
Our dreams for a shared apartment were all we could think of.
But, before that came the hard part.

The part of speaking with my parents.

I remember the shock on their faces after seeing me
for the first time in months.
If it weren't for the slight stubble we could never get rid of,
I could've passed
for a natural born girl.

Although, I counted myself lucky for my smaller Adams apple and androgynous features.
Also for my delicate hands and feet.
It made passing for who I truly was much easier.

Xiao Samu?
Mom used to always call me that.
Little Samu.
Her Little Samu.

I'll admit, I was terrified.
Mom had been disowned
for almost 18 years
before people came to their senses and welcomed her back
into the family.
And that was for
having a child out of wedlock.
What would be the penalty for this?
How long would I have to stay away before my family deemed me worthy to love again?

I couldn't speak.

So you did.

You were the one to tell them
all about Stella.
How she'd always been there
no matter what.
How she's always been waiting
for a chance to be free.

You were the one to make it clear
that Samuel was loved.
Samuel was appreciated for all that he had to endure for Stella's sake.
You were the one to help them understand that we
weren't erasing Samuel.
Samuel would always be
in all of our hearts.
His memories would always live on
in the physical and mental pictures we possessed.

Samuel was simply going to live where he belonged.
And that was in the past.

The future belonged to Stella.

You described the process I'd soon begin to legally change my name.
You explained hormone replacement therapy and electrolysis
for hair removal.
You helped them understand feminine voice techniques and sex reassignment surgery.

My pretty face
would stay the same, though.
I always liked how cute I looked.
And with a few extra swipes of mascara, I was even cuter than the Barbie's I once coveted.

Months or years.
Time wasn't too big of a factor
for me.
After all, there was no price of time that could be placed on gaining true happiness.

There was silence.
So, so much silence.
Neither of them spoke as you explained things.
Neither of them looked
at me or the floor.
Their eyes were only on you.

My heart leaped to my throat when my mom rose to stand.
Dad still listened to you as she walked around our apartment.
Touching baked goods we took home after our shifts from the café we now worked at with Nana Imelda.
An old Hispanic lady that was making us gain weight with all her
sugary conchas.

Eyes lingering on the new photos of me and the Fenty makeup
I left sitting by the fridge.
She took everything in silently before standing by the window.
Looking out into our yard and the tall tree that gave us shade on the days we spent outside reading.
Eyes lingering on the inconspicuous white flowers.

The tension was high when you finished your long winded speech.
Gave my dad a folder full of information for them to look over.
He was already thumbing through it with interest but all I could see was my mom.
Quiet and looking at the flowers.

We were ready for the worst.

We were ready to be disowned.
We were ready to be cursed.
We were ready to be labeled as freaks since you explained your nonbinary self too.
We were ready for the worst.

We weren't ready, however, for love.

We weren't ready for my mom to touch my dumpling cheeks and whisper, Chunhua?
Chunhua, for the flowers that bloomed in spring time.
The very flowers Mom looked at as she heard and looked at this new Stella.

Stella, who found the courage to live in spring.
Stella, who found the will to bloom in spring.

Stella Chunhua Wu.

I wasn't prepared for love.

I wasn't ready for a new middle name that encompassed the beauty of my bravery.
I wasn't ready for my mom to touch my chest length hair and chide me for how dry it was.
I wasn't ready for her to tell me to start using rice water so my hair would be healthy and strong.
I wasn't ready for her to chastise me for my poor skin and ask why there were no Bei Qi to rejuvenate it.
I wasn't ready to go shopping to get my first jade roller and bag of mung beans for face masks.

I wasn't ready for my mom to accept Stella and give her Stella Chunhua Wu, too.

I should've been, though.

I should've been ready and I should've known things
would be this way.
Because I was loved.
I had always been loved.
No matter what, the love of my parents had always been there and it always would be.

Even with my dad's stern,
You no date boys!
You too young!
I should've freaking known they wouldn't bat a damn eye.

A couple that fled in the name of life would hardly be the one's to stop someone from truly living it.

I think of that day
with great fondness.
The following weeks they stayed
with us only brought more happy memories.
Beautiful memories
with us four plus Feebs.
Neither one batting an eye as the girl they half raised reappeared after years of being gone.
I remember Stella laughing as Mom scolded Feebs for her dry skin too.
I remember you succumbing to my mom's clippers and fixing the choppy style of your hair.
And even though you never said you liked it, I knew you did.

I never told you this. But I caught the way you twirled your fluffy new bangs when you thought no one was looking.

Page, you gave me
these cherished memories.

Thank you.

Thank you for guiding me
on my path towards the real me.

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