Agent Reptilian: Exploiting Gold|editing

Chapter forty one: A blast from the past

TW: SUICIDE attempt

Growing up, I always felt that life had dealt me a crappy deck of cards.

 When I was with my foster parents, they didn't care about me much. Did they abuse me? No. But every child needs a guardian who loves them endlessly and is there for them. I didn't have that.

The foster parents I had had provided me with a simple bedroom with old, yellow and peeling wallpaper. 2 laundry baskets which were basically my cupboard and a tiny bed in the corner that squeaked every time I sat on it. I was given clothes that were slightly too small for me and $100 every week. They kept the rest for their son who needed money for his treatments but I didn't mind. I'll admit, it wasn't a bad life, especially compared to some of the other kids I knew who used to get starved and beat up by their so called guardians.

I went on with life. I didn't complain. It was like I was programmed to only say "thank you" and show tremendous gratitude to the basic provisions I got. That was until I went to the library one day to pick out a movie to watch. The new Harry Potter movie had been released and I didn't have the mental capacity to read the book so I went to borrow the movie instead. I had a DVD player I had bought from a thrift store once and a small television set in my room where I would watch movies every weekend. I was trying to find the DVD box when this girl, Chloe who used to be with me in the same foster care came up to me and asked if I wanted to watch the movie with her and her family. I didn't even take the time to think and immediately said yes and they took me to the movie theater that night.

Albeit the theater being crowded, they had already booked seats for themselves so the four of them sat together. As for me though, I sat in the front seat but it didn't bother me. I was just glad I was able to watch the movie on the big screen. I had turned my gaze for a second from the movie to wrap my scarf around me since it had gotten chilly when I saw Chloe's family talking to each other, laughing and sharing their popcorn and drinks. 

And it wasn't just them. Pretty much the entire theater was filled with people who had someone to share their popcorn with. Someone to share their drinks with. I didn't. I was all alone.

That's when I got up and left. Chloe followed me outside but I told her I wasn't feeling well and instead I took the bus home. That was the last time I saw her.

After I got home, my foster mom or whatever the hell you're supposed to call them gave me a can of ABC soup and a glass of water. I finished it and went to bed. The whole night I tossed and turned, over and over asking myself the same question. Why didn't anyone love me? What was wrong with me? I didn't think I was particularly an ill mannered child, it was just hard to smile and laugh all the time when the truth was that no one would ever love you. Even the people who had taken me in had only done that to support their real child. I was just a guest. I would always be a guest.

The next day I got up early, packed up some clothes, money, a box of cereal and my DVD player and ran away. I knew that I would never be able to have a family like Chloe's or even friends since I was home schooled.

Once I reached my destination, I tied the straps of my backpack around my body and closed my eyes, letting out a small breath. That was it. I was going to jump into the lake. I stood on the bridge, people around me were rushing to their work or school and me, I was rushing to my death. I climbed over the railing and heard someone screaming at me to stop. But it was too late. I pushed my feet off the ledge and jumped. I felt the cold wind harshly hitting me in the face as I went down and plunged into the water. The weight of the DVD player kept pulling my body deeper and deeper into the water. The only reason why I even had brought the other things with me was to make it appear as if I had ran away, not went on a literal suicide mission.