A Hundred Flashbacks

Call to Possession

Continuation of Chapter 5 - The Devil Within

Date: April 25, 2020

I let my friend left since I don't want him to experience horrifying things. I was so sure with the face he gave to me the moment he saw me when he woke up. After saying that it was the horrifying experienced he ever had, then I must let him go. He's never ready for this. Nobody is ready for this. My situation is unique. I need to have somebody who's also same and are open for these kind of things but I don't know any since I only knew less and I only trust few. He left saying that if I ever I found nobody to stay with me then he will handle it himself and so he left. 

I never let my parents know of what's happening. Sharing these things are quite quoted as insane for sure. I have never shared it to some who knew me as well because they may think the same. So I contacted my grade school classmates again and talked about what happened since I knew that they will understand. That something is hunting me. In my dreams and even when I'm awake. They were worried and afraid knowing it. I asked them if it happened to them and gladly they didn't experience any of what I experienced. Which means this is not Livia within. Is it my disguised imaginary friend which I actually never even announced to myself that it is existing? I don't know any. Things where heavy. 

I feel drained. I need to sleep but it's hard to sleep since dreams will surely hunt me down. I started breathing heavily. I can feel no air. Like my life is about to end with a little push on it. It's so taxing. I never experienced such feeling like this awake. It's been three days since I only have a good of sleep. I never rested. I am close to it. I can feel death surging towards me. I'm psychologically distress and to a less rates to suicide. Honestly, it's how worst are the things happening since I recently puzzled everything. How I was born, all of the why's and how all of them connected to each other. It's mesmerizing to think of it. As if my life is already written. Like the outcome is clear. Somehow this is not what I expected but I believed I have to experienced this. A call to possession feeling. 

Light of day won't make me feel safe anymore. This brings me back Mary Jane's feeling before she was possessed. I am sure that before a person goes crazy this is the state they where in. Like the world is made of wax and your vision starts melting. Now I'm experiencing it. I lose my grip with reality which already felt tenuous and shaky because of a severe flare-up of anxiety and panic. I'm seeing shadows in my room but I still neglected it. I was on my couch watching the open door. The weather is gloomy. It's about to rain. I wished I have the breathing apparatus I usually used when I was on board the ship if I am out of breathe. Music won't change it. I don't know anymore how to get away from this. I'm afraid the cat would come in while leaving the door open. I'm afraid of closing the door as well since I am now all alone again. This is crazy. This is bizarre. There's nowhere safe anymore. I need help! 

Anxiety is a lie. It tells you you're in mortal danger when you're safe. But, when you started to connect all those things and happenings and it gives you a shocking answer then all of this will hopped to a meaning that answers you're questions, then the story will become entirely different like all happenings flashes through your brain one by one. I already gave up before. When dreams hunted me for a year I lost it too. So with the door close and the half-window left open I close my eyes for a minute or two. With the heaviness inside I let it go. For not too long, I felt asleep covering myself from any sights my eyes could see. It was still morning. Slowly going deep down the stages of sleep, I unshackled myself from distress, chains and physical restraints. I have loosen it too much that I have met the so called - DEATH.

NEXT TOPIC: THE PAINLESS DEATH