A Hundred Flashbacks

Life or Death

I knew what it wants and it is death of my co-officer or bloodshed towards him done by nobody but this body. Nothing of this is normal. I hold myself up. Crying inside but empty outside. It was like I have no control over my body but I struggle stop it from doing what it wants. If I let it do what it thirsts for, then it's the end of everything. I will rot in prison in United Estates. If I hold it up I might survive it.

I never remember if I used the stair or the elevator going back to my cabin. I think it was the elevator though. I made myself stopped by the comfort of the racking chair as I sit on it but still I was felt blank and dark in those ticking clocks. I just want my life back without getting other's in behalf. On those times, ideas flashes before me of how to kill my friend. None of them was simple. It's not even a torture but a rush of death.

It's almost midnight but I was still on that racking chair with my eyes facing the wall. I felt like im being possessed! I held myself up. I never experienced being thirsty. I never got hungry. I just wanted to stay in my place. I pushed myself not to move out from the chair even though nothing was good coming to my mind since it keeps on whispering me. Asking me what's must for them. I don't even know who them is but I'm pretty sure that was a crazy state.

The morning came and it's taxing me. It's wearing myself up. I was sleepless but I somehow managed to stop it from doing what it wants. That should do it right? Perhaps I should tell my Chief Engineer of what happened and let him do the rest. It should be like that. The professional way. I was early as 5 am when I was there inside Chief Engineer's office. I was sitting there with the lights off facing the floor. My eyes are weary. I don't feel good but maybe Chief Engineer can help. He's a good guy. Of course he will listen to me!

But he didn't. Right when he arrived on his office. He saw myself sitting there like a possessed somebody with the lights off waiting to choke him. As we talked about it I mentioned what happened and what I felt. I told him that I lost myself after I was slapped for no reason and my vision turned dark and I hardly could find myself way-out from it.

Exactly, listening to those words is like listening to a senseless person. He justified nothing but some irrational thinking. I understood that Chief was electrician's gym body and they're also good friends. On the other side how can I win from this thing? I didn't get anything from telling what really happened. Nobody believed me. I looked like a fool from all officers. From there it is draining me again.

This is reality in me. While they only see such things in movies. It's hard to profound no matter how other people see it. I can't blame them. I don't think people understand how stressful it is to explain something of what's going on in your head when you yourself don't even understand it.

It's wearing me off continuously day by day. I never eaten for almost a week! I vomit when I do! I never get hungry.Everything annoys me. Alarms that once were music became infuriation. I was never happy of anything. I have accepted this fact that I will feel like this until I have done what it's asking for. It was like that for a month. I couldn't work. I couldn't talk. It's the end for my career. I can never come back on this vessel. I couldn't even come back sailing forever. This is something, I already had seen. Thus I prepared myself more than anything though it's a goodbye to seafaring. Letting me chose of a destroyed career or death of one's friend. Life has never been easy on me. 

Next: Stone Amethyst