Now I See You // Jikook // ⚠18+⚠

*28*

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Song recommendations: Train Wreck- James Arthur
Us - James Bay
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!!Trauma/ Self-hatred/ Self-Harm and just generally a very intense chapter..-!!

He woke up and brushed his teeth.

He got dressed, buttoning up his shirt and fastening his tie.

He smiled as he went downstairs, eating breakfast with his parents, listening to his fathers campaign and the election day which drew closer every day.

He hugged Lisa before they entered the building, then kissed her on the mouth. They walked in together, holding hands, Jungkook laughing at... something.

He took notes in class, joked with the Hyungs, got to know Yoongi better, chatted with Tae on the phone.

He did his homework.

He went to church.

He met with Lisa and there was more kissing- more touching too.

Now he lay in bed.

He pulled out his little notebook from below his bed, marking another line.
Another day without Jimin.
28 lines so far.
28 days of going through hell.
But he survived another one.

Another day where no one noticed how hollow and tired he was- how absolutely nothing was capable of moving his heart but the few stolen glances at his precious.
He lived for those few minutes in the auditorium every week, even if it was just to make sure Jimin was no longer hurting himself.

He hadn't, his cuts healing, the scars fine and silver.
Healing because he was no longer with him.
Getting better because he was moving on.
Doing fine- without him.

Jimin was on his mind every time he took a breath.
He had to be, or he was afraid he would stop.
Stop breathing. Stop living. Stop being.

And Jimin-

He was the one he wanted to fool the most: make him think he was happy with Lisa.
His only goal.
The only reason he was waking up every day and dragged himself out of this bed.
Jimin.
To make him happy by showing him he was fine and he no longer needed the smaller to worry. He could let go of him- it was okay.

And yet seeing the small boy laugh and hearing about the way he continued partying and having one night stands...
... his jealousy knew no bounds.

He lay awake all night, thinking about who was touching him right now.
Who got to hear those sweet little moans and look into his glittering, dark eyes?

He wondered if they knew he liked it when someone kissed his neck and went crazy when his nipples were caressed.
Did they tell him he was kind and sweet and worth it?
Or did they just want his body, adding to the words his stepfather wanted him to believe- that he was a whore and nothing more?

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to think of something else, even though it was useless. He would lay awake like this until morning, getting maybe two or three hours of sleep at most.
As usual, he forced himself to think of Lisa.

He called up the memory of their touches- their kissing.
At first, he had only been able to kiss her while imagining she was Jimin- Jimin's tiny body, his moans, his tongue brushing against his.
But it got harder with time.

He pretended it was Jimin's hair, but it was too long and thick.
He tried to convince himself it was Jimin's lips he was kissing- but they weren't full enough and not nearly as soft.
He did his best to ignore the way her moans sounded too high-pitched, too piercing and female. And every time he opened his eyes and saw Lisa's face, the pain of loosing Jimin hit him all over again, threatening to swallow him.