Letters On Our Skin || BangChan

38

Over the next two weeks I try to pound it into my head that I can be simple friends with Chan.
I am almost able to make myself believe that I don't actually want to feel his hands all over my body, his lips on my neck, my fingers in his curls.
But every time I close my eyes at night, my mind drifts right back to that moment between us.
The second that seems to stretch into forever, where our lips weren't even an inch apart. Me on his lap, his arm around my waist.
The scene replays in my head over and over again, highlighting a new detail of his face I haven't noticed before.
The few, tiny freckles on the bridge of his nose and beneath his eyes.
The way the edge of his jaw felt in my hand.
The curve of the muscle in his arm.
The strong beating of his heart right beneath my fingertips.

Even now, as I am alone in the practice room in the middle of the night, all I can think of is him.
The last dance cover was a huge success. As soon as Felix felt a bit better, he wanted in on the choreography. Him, Hyunjin, and Minho actually came up with most of their parts all by themselves. Binna and Hana almost fainted when I revealed to them they'd be dancing with the DanceRacha trio. Stay freaked out, the video got almost a million views within the first twenty-four hours. They wondered how Felix could participate with his broken arm, but he assured them on bubble that his parts of the choreography actually were pretty easy on the arms. A lot of one-arm moves only, for him.
Chan watched it without me all by himself. Changbin told me Chan's cheeks had turned a whole new shade of red. Whatever that means.

When I look at myself in the mirror now, I can almost see Chan stand behind me.
I am going insane. I must be out of my mind.
I turn on the music and let my body take over control, but my thoughts keep running in the background.
I told Chan that I like him. I also told him that I'd respect his choice.
Which means this can go one of two ways: he either decides to be with me, or he decides we should stay friends. Nothing more than friends.
I don't want to lose Chan.
If it means I have to pretend to be over him, then I'll do it. Even if it means a lifetime of heartache.

I almost laugh at the last thought.
But it's true and I don't have to hide it here, where I am all alone.
Whatever it is I feel is so much more than anything I've ever felt before.
It feels like more than love. Bigger. Stronger.
It scares me.
I would do anything for Chan.
I bend at the waist and place my hands on the ground, lifting my feet into a walk-over.
I've been practicing figures taken right out of gymnastics for a few weeks and it's really growing on me. The insane control I have to have over my body helps me clear my mind.
The routine I am going through is for one of the videos for my channel. It's a choreography built for multiple people, and it doesn't need a lot of shaping anymore, only a few touch ups.

The door opens.
"God, you're just as bad as Chan."
Felix stands in the door frame, wearing a pair of black sweat pants and a huge pink fluffy jacket over a grey sweatshirt. A beanie covers most of his blonde hair.
I jump to my feet and rush over to him. I haven't seen him since last Sunday, and I can feel how relieved I am to find him in a good mood.
I wrap my arms around his middle and he chuckles, burying his face in my neck.
"What are you doing here, Lix? Shouldn't you be resting?"
I gently take his right arm into my hands. The cast is thick and heavy, signed with countless signatures and names. Felix smiles but his eyes look tired and his skin is a bit paler than usual.
"I've been stuck at the dorm for the past four days now, I needed to get out. And I couldn't sleep so I thought why not come here?"
I pull him closer into the room and we sit down onto the floor. Felix takes my hand into his.

"I overheard someone talking with someone else at the dorm about another certain someone." Felix raises his brows and grins mischievously. "I am talking about Chan talking to Minho about you, in case you didn't understand that."
I groan and roll my eyes, but Felix rubs my hand and adds, "Do you want to talk about it?"
I wet my lips.
"I don't know," I say, "I don't think there is a lot to say about it. I almost kissed Chan. He said that he couldn't be with me, even though he wants to. I told him that I like him a lot but I'll respect his decision whatever it'll be. Then I left."
Felix nods and blinks.
"Chan is pretty worked up about it. He really likes you, Ollie."
"I know that," I sigh, "He told me. But it doesn't matter if he likes me or not. He is an idol and I am just a dancer. The company would never allow him to date me, never mind the fans. I mean being friends with you guys is one thing, but dating? I don't want you guys to be thrown into fire because of me. It's just all so complicated."
"I think part of why it's so hard for him to just say fuck it and date you is because he is the leader of the group," Felix says, "He feels like he'll drag us all down with him if he makes a mistake. But like - I don't really care who he dates or if he dates at all. In  fact,  I'd be really happy if it was you. You're one of my best friends, and I know the others feel just like me. We just want you guys to be happy."
I chuckle. "So I have your blessing?"
Felix grins, showing me his pointy teeth. "Yes, indeed. Which is also exactly what Minho told Chan, by the way. So all that's in his way is himself."

I sigh again. I'm getting tired, my body feels heavy. I rub my eyes and whisper, "I wish I could talk to my mom. She'd know exactly what to do."
I hadn't realized just how much I miss her, but the thought of her being here, braiding my hair, kissing my forehead almost makes me cry.
Felix wraps his arm around my shoulder.
"Me too," he says quietly, "And I know it's not the same because I could just call her. But it's not the same. So I do feel you."
I look up at him and he smiles sadly.
"When was the last time you've seen her?"
He shrugs, as if he doesn't remember, but then he says hesitantly, "I think early 2020. Chan hasn't seen his family either."
I rub his back.
My mom is gone and she won't come back. But at least I don't have to worry about her. I wonder what it's like to watch your own family living their life without being a part of it. Siblings growing up, dynamics changing, all without being any close enough to actually celebrate and feel it.
"I'm sorry you haven't been able to see your family in so long." I say then.

Hours later, when I'm already in bed and it's beginning to get light outside my windows, I ponder over what Felix said.
It's not fair that Chan and Felix were not able to see their families for so long. They're missing out on everything their families are going through.
There has to be a way for them to see them again.
I grab my phone and begin planning.