Letters On Our Skin || BangChan

48

I'm in Chan's bed, leaning against the wall.
"When do you want to get up tomorrow?"
Chan stands in front of the T V, zapping through the channels. With the remote in his hand he turns to look at me.
I grab after my phone and think out loud.
"If the bus gets here at nine, we need to be down by 8.55 am. That means we need to leave the apartment by 8.45." I scrunch my eyebrows together, trying to remember how long each member of this household needs in the bathroom. "I might take a shower. Do you want to take a shower? If everyone is taking a shower, we'll need at least one to two hours to get ready."
I raise my shoulders and look at Chan, his bare face confused. "So, I think we should start to get up at 6.30 maybe 7 am? I'll text the others and ask which one wants to go first."

Chan smiles and continues to look for a soothing, calming show or movie that we can watch while falling asleep.
"You know you'll have to be the first one," he says then as he settles on a comedy drama, "They're not going to get up before 7 if they can help it."
I wiggle beneath my blanket and smack my lips, knowing he's right.
Chan scoots into bed next to me as I shoot a text into the group chat stating I'll get up at 7 and every body else will have to fall in line after me.
Chan pulls the blanket higher over my body and leans back, his eyes on the screen. The volume is low enough to fall asleep over and I close my eyes.
"I'm so excited for tomorrow," Chan says and smiles at me.
My eyes, previously almost closed, jump open.
What does he know?
Why would he say that?
"Why is that?" I try to keep my voice steady and bored. "We're just filming a video."
"I know," he responds and blinks sleepily, "I just haven't been away for a while and I'm excited to see something new. I don't think I've ever been on Jeju."
I smile relieved and turn my body to face him.
"I hope you'll like it then," I say and suppress a yawn. It's getting late and I'm getting really tired.

The room is dark except for the TV and its light draws soft shapes on Chan's beautiful face, illuminating the bridge of his nose, the bow on his upper lip, and the very points of his cheeks.
"Stop staring at me," he says and even in the dim light I can see him blush.
I giggle. Somewhere along the past weeks I forgot how to be embarrassed for showing Chan how beautiful I think he is. He often struggles with his own body, his own face, his own words, and even his own choices. I wish he could see himself the way I see him.
"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," I say. My eyes travel over his profile. "I think you're very pretty. I like looking at you."
Chan's eyes widen and he turns his face away, covering his cheeks with his hands.
"Oh, my gosh, Ollie!" He giggles. "You can't say that."
"It's true, though," I chuckle. "I don't think you understand just how beautiful you are. Inside and out."
Chan turns back to me, his dark eyes shimmering like stars. He swallows thickly and the realization suddenly hits me: he's trying not to cry.
I push myself closer to Chan and raise my hand, cupping his face.
I touch my nose to his, and playfully pinch his cheek.
"Don't cry, Channie," I say and I can feel the vibrations of his laughter where his body touches mine. "Tomorrow will be a great day, don't ruin it by waking up with puffy, red eyes!"

Chan's arm slips around my waist and pulls me even closer, until my arm lay across his chest. I angle my leg and place it gently above Chan's thigh, where his hand grabs it and pulls it closer, higher over his lap.
His hand is hot on my skin, but gentle. Laying like this, I can feel every part of him beneath my body.
I fit perfectly into the crooks and angles of him.
The air is thick between us now - thick with words neither of us are saying, thoughts we both share.
It feels natural when Chan starts drawing small shapes with his fingers on the naked skin of my leg.
His chest is hard under my hand, and I trace the curve of his collarbone with my fingertips all the way to his shoulders.
Chan's eyes are on my face, and I feel him watch me as I watch my fingers brush over the edge of his T-shirt. I pull on it ever so slightly, letting my fingertips slip beneath it playfully.
When I meet Chan's eyes again, there's a glint in them I haven't seen before. Like we just shook on a bet I am about to lose.
Everything inside me is begging to press my lips to his, to let my hands explore the flat stomach and curves of his pecks beneath his shirt. I curl my fingers into the fabric of shirt to stop them from shaking.
One arm still around my waist, the other on my leg, there is nowhere for me to go. And I don't want to.

For a moment, Chan and I merely look at each other without speaking.
When Chan opens his lips, his voice is low and rough, "Sometimes it feels like you're the only person that really sees me."
The weight of his words takes me back for a second and I blink at him. He doesn't look away, though I can see by the way his eyebrows twitch slightly that he is wary of my reaction.
I raise my hand from his shirt to his face and gently smooth out his eyebrows with my thumb, massaging his temple gently, before driving my thumb down to his jaw.
Words build up inside me, too many for me to grasp, and in that moment, I almost tell him.
You're going to see your family tomorrow.
You mean the world to me.
I think I'm falling in love with you.
But then, the words get stuck in my throat, my courage disappears, and instead I say, "Sometimes it feels like I can only breathe when you're with me. Like you're a breath of fresh air whenever I'm about to suffocate."
Chan's hand on my leg has traveled higher on my thigh, drawing never-ending shapes just beneath the hem of my shorts. Sometimes his fingers slip beneath the fabric of my pajama shorts, sending tremors through my body.
"I don't want to lose you, Olivia."
I shake my head a little, a strand of my hair falling into my face. Chan's hand around my waist comes up to stroke it out of the way. His fingers tangle themselves in the strands of my curls.

"You're not going to lose me," I whisper, "I promise you. I will always be by your side, as long as you'll have me."
"Promise?"
The playful glint in his eyes from before has disappeared and made way for something entirely different. Something deep within him, vulnerable and tender and exposed.
I can feel myself falling more in love with him with every breath I take, and though it scares me I know this is where I belong.
Right here in his arms, heart to heart.
"Promise."