Restless Soul

11

   Geometry had always been one of Amanda's favorite subjects in mathematics. Applying logic and critical thinking always felt easier when that subject was concerned. Drawing graphs, building figures, and finding the missing units required to complete a model gave her mind something to latch onto and remain focused. The probability of two parallel lines to meet is impossible. As sure as she was of that fact, she also knew that her mother's threats weren't words to take lightly.

   The venomous creature that gave birth to her wasn't known for her patience. To regular folks crossing her path was like meeting Cruella de Ville, only she knew very well how to hide her bitterness behind bright smiles and flattering exchanges. With Amanda, she never bothered to hide even when it was to get her way, an act was never necessary because deep down, Amanda looked up to the woman. She looked up to her like a daughter does her mother and her approval, as much as she hated to admit it, was something she longed to at least be worthy of.

   Day and night all felt the same after Sheryl's impromptu visit. When the nurse came to make her round, she was greeted with a girl whose soul was broken. Then Dr. Fletcher had instructed to leave her be for the time being. Maybe he did have a heart, she thought as he seemed to glare at her with pity then. That sentiment was quickly overshadowed by the fact that he ran this abominable prison for the wrongly condemned.

   It'd been five days since, and Amanda now stood in line to get her treatment. When her turn came, she picked up the small cup and swallowed the chemical concoction. Opening wide, the grey-haired nurse looked into her mouth and then nodded for her to go ahead.

   She moved around in her beige sweats not bothering to make conversation. She intended for her time here to be short and she wouldn't let anything get in the way of that. The recreation was short as she was a special case. Having decided beforehand that she wouldn't be here to socialize, she still felt the pain of knowing that even in this facility, she was to be hidden away.

   Amanda walked behind the guard, eyes focused on the sole of his boots. The keychain dangled in his hand, causing the metal set to jingle in his grasp. Amanda felt almost hypnotized by the sound. Nothing else around her mattered but the clings of the keys. When they arrived at her door, he shoved it into the lock, and with a loud click, the door opened.

   Cold sweat seeped from her pores. She swallowed hard as she stared at the dark room. The color of the walls mattered not as they served the single purpose of keeping her caged. For a moment she felt like floating, lost in the dark as she'd been so many times. Knees deep in black water, she looked around for an exit. Though she wasn't afraid, her instinct was to seek a way out, but when she couldn't, the expected panic never came to whisk her away to a land of worry. Instead, she felt nothing. Numbness was too much of a feeling to describe the emptiness she felt. At least she was at peace.

   Far in the deep end, she saw the girl that haunted her dreams. She stood behind a black door, or could it be a wall? Amanda had no answer to the question. At least she wasn't alone. That was the small victory she allowed herself to celebrate. But then, like a ghost, the girl was gone. Faded to nothing as quickly as reality rang in her ears in the form of a loud thump.

Amanda blinked away the mist of her imagination, taking in the room that now surrounded her.

When did I get here? she murmured.

The sound of the lock caused her to turn around, now faced with the metal door shut in her face.

   She tried to lock it all away. The panic, the fear, and the bone-crushing loneliness engulfed her from the moment her treatment started. She walked over to the door, her fingers grazed it with a trembling touch. She heaved her breaths, her mind constantly trying to yank her in but failing at every try. How could she long to be back in that hell when she had no clue what it was? As much of a crook as Dr. Fletcher was, he was right. That place was a product of her imagination, it wasn't real. But if it wasn't real, how and why did she miss it more than she did her own home. And the girl, the voices that plagued her mind, how could they just vanish yet a presence always lingered?

   Amanda, crippled by her isolation, held back a cry as she slid against the cold surface. Outside she could pretend. When the nurse and guard arrived to provide her with the only human contact she was permitted to have, she managed to keep up the appearance of a girl numbed by her struggles, slowly gaining back control as the treatment went on. She'd even force on a smile, just enough to convince them of her shame and dire need to get better.

Truth be told, she didn't know if they believed her, and if they did, would she be able to hold so much self-control when her mother would stop, expecting progress?

Amanda held in even the smallest whimper, afraid to disturb the silence.

   Her mind was blanch, something she wasn't used to. The other world that'd lured her in so often barely showed any signs of existence from the moment she began her treatment. Maybe Sheryl did know best. Locking her in here with no say on the matter was not the right strategy, but it got rid of them. Shouldn't that be a good thing? After all, it was a blackout that got her in this mess. Maybe feeling so torn was a part of the process.

Either way, it was hard. The hardest thing she ever experienced.

   Amanda cried against her knees, the fabric of her pants drinking in her sorrow. The sunlight beamed upon her, reminding her of the world she couldn't be a part of. The branches danced under the shining star, occasionally directing the rays in her eyes, causing her to imagine the gates of heaven welcoming her after an eternity of bohemia.

   Her vision blurred, the unshed tears pooled on her lids shimmered like the reflection of a setting sun on a vast ocean. With that thought in mind, she allowed herself to be carried away. With each wave, her sanity disappeared more and more, left behind on the shoreline along with the hope that in her had begun to blossom, but just as quickly broke under the crushing weight of her reality.

Amanda didn't recall moving to her bed, nor did she recall falling asleep. Her slumber through deep didn't shield her from the loud thumping of her heart as the voices grew louder until her eyes shot open when she recognized the sound.

"Mr. Fullwood, you must listen."

"Don't say another word! I want to see my daughter now!"

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