Two Wrongs

Try Again: Allegra

I spent the next few days doing everything in my power to avoid Liam. It ended up being pretty easy, considering he seemed to be avoiding me just as much. I guess the awkwardness of seeing my give my... whatever Trevor was, a blowjob was enough to embarrass us both.

Not only was I on some other worldly level of embarrassed, but I was a bit pissed on top of it. I was getting sick of people pointing out how in love with me Trevor just had to be. Liam didn't know us well enough to make any sort of judgment. He'd never even spoken to Trevor, and regardless, even people who did know us, didn't necessarily know the truth. Everyone chalked it up to me being flaky, but that wasn't it, not in the least.

At one point, Trevor and I had in fact been in a real, full fledged relationship. We had been boyfriend and girlfriend, a couple, committed... or at least, I had been. He was the one that ruined it. Just because he was friendly and smart and happy go lucky, didn't mean that everything was my fault. Our current arrangement was all his fault, his doing, not mine. 

Trevor and I met in our undergraduate studies. He was a sophomore when I started at the University of Michigan. He was an anatomy major while I was studying microbiology. He was working toward being a physical therapist, while my dream was to study and cure diseases (lofty, yes, but I was on my way). I was instantly smitten by him. Trevor was gorgeous, funny, smart and seemed to be an all-around good guy. We were just friends for the first year or so we knew each other, but when we met back up my sophomore year, everything changed.

Within a few weeks of our first date, we were inseparable. We were together every second of free time we had. He met my family. We went on trips together. I had really begun to believe I'd found my forever. That is, until I came back to school after spending Spring Break with my parents to find him in bed with the best friend/roommate he had sworn to not "like like that."

It wasn't an unusual way for my relationships to end. In fact, it was pretty much par for the course. I had a real bad habit of picking the undercover assholes, even in high school. Pretty much every guy I'd ever dated had either cheated or claimed that we weren't serious when I had wrapped myself completely up in them. Yeah, the classic romantic turned bitter realist storyline could definitely apply to me.

I immediately ended things, but it didn't sit well with Trevor. Not that seeing him balls deep in his pretty nursing major bestie had sat all that well with me either. He was bound and determined to '' make it up to me," even when I made it more than clear I was not interested in a reunion. He kept coming around, kept sending gifts, or cute little texts. Even if I'd found someone else to bide my time, Trevor was always there, saying he'd wait until I was ready, that eventually I'd realize how good we would have it.

I never got ready. All of the next relationships I got into either ended me getting paranoid that they were also scumbags, or never got serious enough for me to care about. Eventually I lost hope. Eventually I decided that maybe, if Trevor was going to continue to be around, I'd might as well get some enjoyment out of it. I made the friends with benefits offer to Trevor and the rest was history. I couldn't trust him enough to give him my whole heart again, but I could trust him to give me orgasms when I needed them, so we went with it. Now, we'd been stuck in this little pattern for three years. It was only a matter of time before he once again tried to convince me to let him in completely, to give him the second chance he dreamed of, and I would once again have to remind him that it wasn't going to happen. Once my trust was gone, it was gone. If we weren't committed, he could fuck whomever he wanted, and I wouldn't get mad. It also meant that I could do the same. Was our arrangement made a bit out of spite? Sure, but that was the only way this would work, because if I let him all the way in and it ended the same as the first time, I'd probably just walk into fucking traffic. Honestly, it was more of the 'devil you know is better than the devil you don't' mindset. I knew I couldn't trust him and knowing that was easier than trying to trust someone else and getting betrayed again. Or at least, that's what I told myself.