*TW mentions of physical abuse by romantic partners
"I'm sorry we can't" I say quickly, pulling away as we're both out of breath. Damiano's hand is halfway up my back towards my bra clip as I stop him.
"Why?" he breathes against my neck as I move a bit further from him, crossing my legs and fiddling with my fingers.
I hear him huff as he fixes his hair and gets off the bed, putting his shirt back on. A part of me really wants to continue but we can't. I can't.
"Whatever" He mutters angrily, buttoning his shirt. Just as he's going to leave I call out for him.
"Dami wait please talk to me" I say, my voice shaking a little as I get off the bed walking towards him. His stare is blank but somewhere in his eyes I can see the tinge of hurt.
"I have nothing to say" he says as he turns around and walks out of the room.
-----------------------
I stand there for a few seconds trying to process everything before walking back to the bed. I slip my sweater back on and slowly sit down. Before I can help it, tears start falling.
Suddenly It's last November again. The time he told me he loved me and found ways to become physically close, chipping away at he emotional layers of protection only so that he could do the same with my clothing.
Yet I was only entertainment to this man, someone to take for a "test drive," or worse still, "a joy ride," not caring if I was left a burnt out wreck at the end. His pale skin against his red scarf once made my heart leap, yet now I see it as if I was my own mother, protective for the lonely girl I was.
The tantrum had began with his breath turning from quiet and regular to a panting gasp. He sucked at the air like it had suddenly become thick and was now almost too difficult to draw in.
He became deaf to the soothing words I was saying. But by then it was irreversible. His next stage was always to smash whatever he could lay his hands on. I had seconds to hide everything I cared about.
Months ago I could have just calmed him down, but not anymore. I had pressed the button on my pager to call his father home, but I knew he was rarely less than fifteen minutes away, even with the sirens on.
When he finally exploded he didn't go for the pictures as usual, he went straight for me; pummeling, hitting, kicking.
When his father arrived I was balled up unconscious on the floor and he was gone.
Before I can help it my breathing becomes unsteady. Remembering my last relationship always puts me in a state of panic and right now I can sense a panic attack starting.
My finger picks at a small bump on my shoulder as the tears start running down my face faster. I grab onto my knees tighter, pulling them towards my chest and soon I'm rocking back and forth slightly. My finger still picking the same bump even though it's bleeding now.
I'm in such a trance that I don't hear the bedroom door open.
"What happened he walked out angrily?" A voice asks as my eyes dart towards her. Her eyes immediately change from confusion to worry and within a second she's already beside me.
"what happened amore?" she questions softly, stroking my arm lightly. I open my mouth to speak but end up muttering a few inaudible noises and gasping for air.
"It's okay calma amore" she says as he sits on the bed, leaning against the bed board behind me and pulling me into her chest. She wraps me in a bear hug as it takes me a few minutes to calm myself down.
I take in a few deep breaths as she hugs me tightly. Once I'm finally calm enough to speak I pull away from her to face her, wiping my eyes with my sleeve.
"I'm sorry Vic" I say, my voice shaking lightly as she gives me a small smile,
"Never apologize for crying, it's normal, I cry a lot" she jokes as I giggle a little, sniffling.
"Now tell me what happened" She demands, placing both her hands on my knees and furrowing her eyebrows.
Once again, before I can control my mouth my brain jumps up to speak,
"We kissed. We kissed and I really liked it. I shouldn't have liked it because you're one of the best friends I've had in a long while and I know it's only been a few weeks but I can't lose you or the guys and I know I am so so so selfish that I kissed him, but I pulled away. I pulled away because I can't do that to you or to him or even myself. I can't let go after what happened with my ex and I can't get myself too attached. I can't ruin everything I have going on. So I stopped and pushed him away and he got upset and now it feels like I used him but I swear I didn't use him but now he hates me"
I blurt out before realizing I probably spoke way too fast and just completely opened up all of my feelings.
"Woah woah slow down, what happened with your ex?" Vic questions as I bite the inside of my cheek. Stupid Luna, you knew this question would get asked.
"uhm well uh my ex kinda sorta physically abused me for 2 months" I say awkwardly as Vics facial expression DROPS.
"Who is this little shit?? you know I can get him deported or behind bars right" Vic whisper shouts as I shake my head no vigorously. I am not ready to go through court.
"Please lets not talk about that, and let's talk about if I fucked everything up" I huff as Vic chuckles,
"Of course you didn't, we still love you and always will, and for Damiano, both of you were drunk and are barely sobering up. He kisses a lot of people don't think much of it, he'll probably be back to normal in the morning" she says as I nod.
I feel a sense of relief but also a part of my heart stings,
'he kisses a lot of people'
oh how I wish I was the only one he kisses...
