This review was completed by Nikachu22. It is for The Gunner and The Florist by CrystalCallistral.
Focus: Mainly on the first chapter, but honestly anything and everything helps! I don't need sugar-coated words, just constructive criticism.
Review: Because this chapter has a set mood that seems to follow a more depressing, dark path, I think describing the shop/feelings in the shop through his actions and thoughts as his mother is prancing around could help set the tone on both his emotional state/personality.
What I mean by this is, it's clear he's in some way disturbed/suffering. So heightening that by using the condition of the shop as if it's a condition in his heart will pull the emotional mood from Lennox to the readers. You can do this by relating him to objects, smells and things of interest. This will help paint how he's been maintaining the shop and how much neither he nor his mother seem to care about the condition around him.
I wrote and example below:
Lennox's mother was leaving again.
Each and everytime he wished that she wouldn't come back, that it would be the last excursion.
"Lennox, dear, could you run the shop for a while? I have some friends to meet. I'll be back before dinner," his mother's clipped voice called out in the dimmed space. The only thing that wasn't void of warmth in the room. As she spoke, his eyes trailed to one side, arms brought up to cup his frame tightly. The small chill reaching through his thick sweater had forced a shiver down his frame.
Calm, but empty dark eyes landing upon a pot coated in dust and broken shards allowed the dry soil to run from the inside of it. The plant that once was growing a fine flower bush had long since dried up, only leaving a dead stick in the aftermath. A feeling he had grown used to whenever he heard her depart herself from his life. He should clean that up.
She said it as if it wasn't a weekly practice.
He sighed. Stuck on replay, another dull fall afternoon. The leaves had almost painted the ground in brown autumn flakes, as the air grew colder. Winter was approaching, and he hated it. Hated how cold it would soon get, hated the breaths that drew from his lungs and the clouds of warm carbon dioxide. Yeah, he was still... alive.
"Fine, Mother." The only answer she received, but a voice left without much emotion travels. Something she never noticed.
(I'll end it here.)
There's another section of the chapter I'd like to go over and that's the scene where the soldier is shot.
I think this too needs more emotional support so we could again understand where he is coming from in the opening chapter/understand just how much of an impact the things he's been through morphed him into the person he is today. Also this will help with character growth and portrayal just in case he acts differently as the story progresses (better or worse). It's fine to have him not react at all, but I'd like to feel him through your writing instead of just being told, especially in this situation.
Edited version below:
At times like these, Lennox was able to find morbid entertainment in the warzone. Even now another skirmish was commencing on Hewler Street. The same street on which he lived. A cluster of troops marched in, only to get shot one by one by elusive marksmen. The bullets rang out, clouding his ears, but his body remained stiffened to the sound. It became the music he had grown used to. The blood curdling commands and screams, would horrify anyone sitting beneath a world drenched in hell, and yet he found his core had grown numb in reaction. His heart no longer changed beat, skin no longer crawled with despair.
Great, hulking machines pummeled the men that remained, their metal limbs swooping downwards with each punch nearly deafening the human ears. The only thing he would do is close his eyes, waiting for the noise to pass. Lennox thought he was thoroughly distanced from the gruesome battles, shutting himself in the shop, but yet like the shrouds in his heart they had come to find him.
Through the darkness, smoke and smell of gunfire, a lone figure in blue limping towards the store became his cold eyes focus. Scarlet blood oozed down the soldier's leg, leaving a ghastly trail in its wake. A hand brought up to brace himself wiped the glass of the shop in a painted print of red before it ran to the knob, staining it. The man ripped open the door to the shop, doubling over and falling onto his knees as he could no longer hold up his weight. His breaths were hard, a need to speak became purpose.
"Please... help me." His voice choked as desperate as the need for Lennox to shut himself from the cold the male released inside the shop. Lennox tightened the limbs around his frame, huddling himself for warmth. He didn't move, only watching the struggle from behind the counter with curious eyes and brows furrowed. An emptiness took over his frame, sympathy had been a feeling he lacked for so long. The only thing that went through his mind,
"You're leaving me to clean--" But he could say no more as a bullet struck the male in the neck. A large amount of blood plattered into the air, droplets reaching far out to tap at the counter. Lennox's eyes quickly traveled down, making sure none had reached his frame.
The man locked up before a,
"Unh!!" Hit the air, plummeting the lifeless figure to the ground in a pool of his own blood.
Lennox sighed, one hand brought up to run course through his short brown hair (actually not sure how Lennox looks yet, so don't mind my choice of words about his hair), pushing the locks to the back of his ear before he finally decided to move.
Slow taps of his feet brought trail towards the dead body, smearing droplets into the tiles. A dead panned stare, his mouth parted in a slow breath. He narrowed his eyes a bit when a gust of wind blew in, stirring some of the gathered dust around the room.
The soldier didn't even have the audacity to make sure the door was closed behind him.
Rude.
(I hope this helps! I know it may not be the personality/word choice you have for him, but what I'm doing is just trying to add more detail to his reaction because death to anyone will warrant some kind of reaction so it would've been nice to see how he reacts to this kind of situation in detail. Also will help with what seems to be a bit of disconnection with his mom in the first edit.
Some of the descriptions I wrote too may be wrong as well, but my goal is to present ways to show a little more depth. These detailed reactions will also make him more solid in character without someone questioning his reactions. It sparks curiosity when detail is explained during moments like this-- what made him this way?)
