Review completed by Nikachu22. This review is for MonicaPrelooker's Haunter.
Main Focus: Grammar Please! Comment on plot, chars and flow will be welcomed too.
I was twenty-five back in the summer of 2023. Living in Boston, I had been waiting tables twelve hours a day for six months already while trying in vain to find a job that would allow me to make ends meet. I could not afford the rent alone, so I shared a tiny apartment in Jamaica Plain with two friends. By the end of June, ruthless math said my savings wouldn't last the summer.
I was wandering around, trying to clear my head and come up with a solution to my desperate situation, when my phone rang. Blocked number? Fine. I would vent out on the scammer who was risking selling me shit. Serves them well.
Stray from editing, but... She has a phone call about a document and tells the woman on the other line to give her a date and time and that she will be there, then shows up twenty minutes later. I suggest changing this dialogue here and having her say, "I can be there soon. Location please?"
This tells us she will go that day, which pushes the story forward. If she is asking for a date and time, then that means it's a plan for a later date.
Back to editing...
I let out a sigh as my eyes slide to the window. Ready to wait a couple of hours until the big shot in a suit had a minute to waste on the poor girl in worn jeans and sneakers.
I rearranged the first part of the sentence just to help with the word and that often gets repeated in writing. Here I put the big shot in a suit because when you say the big shot suit it makes it seem like the suit itself is a character. You were correct in placing the poor girl in worn jeans.
He walked in a few minutes later though. A classy elderly gent with a nice smile and a black leather binder in his hands.
Editing after he asks her if she'd like coffee or tea.
A nod was my only response before my mind began to recall my mother's history. (Now, here is where it got a little confusing because I thought you were missing the quotation marks to say she was talking back as in answering him. I read a few times and then understood that she was simply replying back but within her mind. I'd make this clear that she is doing so by the edited suggestion.) Mom had once told me about this rich old lady. Some big-time English professor who mentored her back in college. I had no idea what it's got to do with me now. How come this lawyer knew about Mom's death? Guess my questions reflected on my face because Jenkins smiled yet again and replied like he was telling his grandchild a bedtime story.
One other thing-- Lawyers aren't doctors. So, he should not be referred to as Dr. Jenkins if he's a Lawyer. He would simply be Mr. Jenkins.
The flow of reading is messed up because some of the sentence's punctuation/grammar is a little off. This forced me to go back and read them a few times to get a better understanding of what was happening. If a sentence could act as a standalone sentence then get rid of the commas. Example below.
Ryan sat still for a moment, he contemplated his life, tapping at his knee.
Better: Ryan sat still for a moment. He contemplated his life and tapped at his knee.
Words like so, however, but, and/or, when used in sentences could kindly use commas. I think and/or can be left out sometimes.
The comma that's left out is known as The Oxford comma. I suggest looking this up to help you better understand its usage.
