This review is from Read-aholic2006
Book Title: The Dragon Emperor
Author: LMNTrix117
(NOTE: This review is only based on the first six chapters. )
•°•°•°•°•°•°•
Title: 5/5
I still haven't understood the relevance of your title yet, but it effectively snatches the spotlight.
Cover: 4/5
The glowing green colour scheme is effectively hypnotic. This cover is far better than your previous one and actually relevant. But it's difficult to see the text above your username and I think maybe you should add a border (maybe white) around your title.
Blurb: 1/5
The opening of your blurb is way too trite. Start it with a memorable quote from one of your characters (Johnny had dished out some unexpected wisdom), an extract from your story or a simple but powerful line.
Your blurb needs to be more succinct. It shouldn't narrate Johnny's entire story and flesh out his whole personality—that's the book's job. Your diction also needs to be upgraded and you made a few grammar mistakes regarding commas.
Creativity/Originality: 5/5
Although the abilities of your characters orbit the four common elements (earth, fire, wind and water) as well light and darkness, your story has many unique concepts. By the way, when you first introduced these magical attributes, you didn't mention healing.
Plot/Flow: 6/10
Your storyline itself is intriguing. However, I think the romance factor is the most exciting aspect of your plot due to the lack of thrilling content.
I find your first paragraph of Chapter 1 to be quite mediocre and unnecessary—just start the story. No need for a delay. This chapter is also divided into three periods: First, there is the introduction to your world. Next, you fast-forward five hundred years and explain the origin story of your MC. In this time span, six new characters are mentioned—one of whom unexpectedly dies. Then you finally jump to the present. The point I'm trying to make is that your chapters are long-winded.
There are at least two events that occur in your book with which I stand in disagreement:
Firstly, I would change the reason behind Rago's unexpected departure. Why would a perfectly grown man feel obligated to move to a completely different PLANET because Johnny—the child he had decided to take under his wing—is being bullied? Why would he abandon a five-year-old boy like that when he knows he has no friends? That's absurd.
Secondly, I find it unlikely that the headmaster will transfer Serena from the safety of the school to an isolated tent that's occupied by a monster. The main reason Johnny was ostracized was because he was perceived as a threat. Would teachers really endanger their students like this? And then I thought, "Maybe they knew that her light abilities would counter Johnny's powers," but then you mentioned that she is physically weak and unable to effectively defend herself. The principal could've allowed her to stay with literally anyone else—but no, choose the love interest. Your intentions were way too obvious.
Characters: 7/10
You have names like Ubayashiki, Amano Tsuchimikado, Arima, Rago and then there's... Johnny? Not only is it a flavorless moniker (sorry to all the Johnnies out there), but in comparison to the names of your other characters, it's anticlimactic.
Also, the fact that Rago instructed him not to speak to anyone due to his feminine voice is ridiculous. He's literally five.
Furthermore, you regularly described him as being calm and collected. We get it; he's cool. There's no need to repeatedly remind your readers of this quality. You do the same when referring to Master Ubayashiki's voice, continuously focusing on this one detail. We already know that he has a soft, calm, gentle tone. Don't reiterate these synonyms. Even if you alter the description to read as follows: "His voice was dipped in satin."
Nevertheless, I love Johnny's competence, perseverance and resilience. And although I did not approve of Serena's self-pitying thoughts, I understand why she may have felt inferior to Johnny. I also find it refreshing that you brought forth a female character.
Writing style/grammar: 5/10
Most of your narration sounds rather... wooden—especially when one of your characters is delivering an anime-style monologue (I suppose that's just one of my personal pet peeves).
When Amano discovers Johnny, he doesn't seem that troubled about making the decision to adopt a literal monster. He simply picks it up. That's why I feel like you downplayed the significance of taking such a huge step. It's important to vividly illustrate the internal conflict that Amano faces. Perhaps you could write a scene in which he crouches beside the baby, his face contorted with irresolution, his heart twisting with bubbling compunction, sword raised in the air, about to murder an infant, but then—his hand wavers at the sight of unsullied innocence. Just make it interesting, you know?
I suggest that you enrich your vocabulary. In Chapter 3, you constantly described Johnny's tone as "monstrous". Rather compare his voice to a menacing growl or a guttural rasp. And I noticed that you frequently used the verb "pondered" whenever a character was thinking. This brings me to another point: Italicize a character's thoughts instead of placing them in quotation marks.
Make sure you understand the rules regarding dialogue punctuation, commas and tenses. Do not separate dialogue paragraphs when they belong to the same speaker and learn to avail yourself of pronouns to avoid repeating a character's name. Lastly, don't randomly switch over from a normal narration to the dialogue format as you did in Chapter 1.
Genre relevance: 5/5
At this point in your story, nothing adventurous has happened yet, but the fantasy genre is being clearly depicted.
Reading enjoyment: 7/10
Whenever some of your characters engaged in fighting, I expected you to create a more dynamic atmosphere with striking action verbs, but you did none of that. However, your plot and characters are still captivating.
Overall thoughts and extra comments: 45/65
I advise you to mainly concentrate on improving your grammar and imagery. You can gradually edit all the other minor mistakes I'd pointed out. The potential your story has is unbelievable. I'd love to see the reworked version of The Dragon Emperor. Well done.
