This review is for The Tale of Achilles and Paris by Moineten. It was conducted by craftychicken.
Title 4/5 The title is a little long but I'm honestly not sure what you could change it to.
Cover 5/5 Ok, I actually love this cover. It's simple, but in a beautiful way. I really like it.
Blurb 2/5 I don't think your blurb is really as good as the story itself. I'll try and write you one in the review.
First chapter 8/10 Ok, I guess I'd better admit this here. I know nothing about Greek mythology. So this is entirely based on how well you're describing the history and the characters. It's good so far.
Characters 13/15 I can't give full marks simply because I don't know if you are trying to write these characters accurately to how they act in Greek mythology or whether you've created your own personalities for them.
Plot 18/20 This is quite clearly a romance, and the characters feel as if they are already falling for one another. Great start.
Grammar/ vocabulary 18/20 Only two mistakes. Both of which I pointed out in the comments.
Writing 8/10 One problem which I'll explain in the review.
Personal enjoyment 9/10 I actually loved this. I didn't think I would as Greek mythology is not my thing, but I feel invested in the characters and the story. Great job.
Total 85/100
Review Ok, so, a few things before I go into what you asked me to focus on. One, the fact that you were able to make me fall in love with the story and your characters in five chapters, despite the fact that I have no interest in Greek mythology is incredible. Amazing work.
Second, your cover is amazing. I really love the simplicity of it. It's incredible.
Three, I know that you said that English is not your first language so well done as your English is pretty excellent throughout.
Ok, now for the few negatives.
You asked me to focus on the characters so we'll discuss them first. Ok, so, if you are trying to write the characters accurately to their personalities in history, then I can't help as I don't know much about them. If you are writing your own personalities then I think you've done a great job.
I will say one thing though and that is, be careful to not make your characters seem too perfect. I mean, they need flaws. This will give you room to develop them and help them grow as characters. I'll use one of my own characters as an example:
So, in my fantasy book, Where our demons hide, we meet the main character, Kaiden and we are quickly shown that he is rather cocky, selfish and arrogant. He seems to care about no one but himself. However he is very intelligent and determined and does care about those he loves. The flaws that he has gives him room to slowly change over time and become less arrogant as he starts to develop feelings for his boyfriend and this allows him to slowly realize that his actions are wrong and he can start to change his attitude.
If Paris or Achilles do have flaws, they weren't made very clear in the first few chapters. This is a super easy fix as you can just show their flaws through dialogue. If one of them is really self centered, have them talk about themself or show off how great they are.
Next up, grammar. Your grammar was pretty much perfect throughout. I love your writing too. The only issue I have is that you use Italics way too much. In my opinion italics should be used for inner thoughts only. Overusing them can be a little distracting to the reader.
The plot so far seems good but it's a little hard to decipher what the plot is going to be when it isn't in the blurb.
Speaking of your blurb, I think that it's your weakest part of this story. It doesn't sell how good this story is. A blurb should do three things:
1. It should introduce the main protagonist.
2. It should describe what the story is going to be about.
3. It should make you want to read the story.
Based on what I have read so far, I'm going to try and write a blurb for you. Feel free to use this. Even if you decide to write one of your own, just stick to the three rules above and you should be good to go. Anyway, here's my attempt:
Patroclus is dead. Now Achilles may have found a new love. Paris of Troy. But when two boys fall in love in the middle of a war, things are bound to go wrong.
With a war happening around them, and the world falling apart, can two boys really find a way to make themselves live happily ever after?
Yeah, that's pretty bad to be honest. Like I said, I know nothing about Greek mythology. Anyway, stick to the three rules above and you should be ok.
I think that's everything. Thank you so much for allowing me to review your story. Overall it is great. I really think I know a few people who would love this.
Also, I'm going to message you a couple of reading suggestions as I have a couple of friends who are also into Greek mythology, so I think you might enjoy them
Again, thank you for asking me to do this review and I wish you the best of luck in your writing journey.
Craftychicken :)
