This review was written by CadencePadgett0 for True Blue (boyxboy) by 23madonna
MAIN FOCUS:
Writing
I only focused on the first five chapters due to the chapter lengths and the time I had. Please note that these are just my opinions and are supposed to help you grow as a writer.
Chapter One:
I enjoy the opening line. However, I think it would be better if it was broken down into two sentences. Here is the edit version:
It was a summer day; memories of which had engraved in my living. It became something I could not separate myself from.
Notice how this sentence only used one semicolon to connect two ideas together. Then put a period after and write the next sentence.
But other than that, I thought it was a great way to start the chapter. Wonderful job!
Next paragraph, you don't need to capitalize Sun unless it is used from the beginning of a sentence. Here is the edit version:
I could recall the radiance from the sun and the Japanese maple casting its shade as I rested underneath it. My best friend leaned on my shoulders with light snores. The gentle breeze caressed the leaves to sway.
The paragraph I read has grammatical errors. Here's the edited version:
The day which confirmed my suspicion, which I had pondered upon for quite some time—that I had broken my loyalty in a friendship—for developing a deep feeling for the slumber boy beside me—I, Damien Wilde, had fallen deep for Timothee Smith.
Lastly, when it comes to dialogues, you want to make sure who is speaking and utilize dialogue/action tags. Here is an example of I would say:
He must've enjoyed the siesta, but my shoulder started to numb. Then he woke up when I gave him a nudge.
"You're awake?" I asked.
Tim rubbed his droopy eyes as a yawn escaped his lips. "Yeah. . ."
Overall:
I think the story has a great start with two characters who are best friends and there's a budding romance. Pacing needs work, but it's fine. Work on the writing, and you'll get better!
