I have only focused on the first chapter and the prologue. Please note that these are just my opinions and are supposed to help you grow as a writer.
Prologue:
In the beginning, I felt like it could've been better if the prophecy was in italics to distinguish between the prophecy and the narrative of the story.
Another thing, I noticed after reading the prophecy, the story itself and the dialogues are continuing in the middle instead of to the left. I think it could be a quick fix.
Lastly, I think you use very simple words to convey the story and what's happening. Great work!
Chapter One:
Every time I sit down and read a new story, I always have an expectation that the opening of a first chapter will draw me in for the ride.
However, with this particular chapter, it made me want to click out the story and find something else to read.
Why?
Because you're telling, not showing, and it's a problem. You want to show the readers by utilizing literary devices. However, don't go overboard because it'll end up not making sense for the readers. There are times when you can tell information without showing.
And you introduced me to a character that looked like she was having a conversation with a reader.
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I thought it was not interesting for an opening line for the first chapter. It could be better if it was taken out and replaced with something else.
Thirdly, I noticed a lot of grammatical errors in this chapter.
There are a few examples, I focused on particular paragraphs for not only grammar mistakes, but how to make the writing better.
#1 Original:
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New Version:
Nora bolted through the mountains aside to the City of Shadows as the Corvina Watchers were hot on her tail. Without her weapon, there was nothing that Nora could do, except wishing the best of her survival skills.
#2 Original:
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New Version:
Her vision started to blur as Nora took deep breaths and her strength began to decline during the beast's attack. Before a wild animal could further attack Nora, she decided to do an uppercut to strike a shard in the beast's throat and watched as the animal died. Nora had a victorious smile plastered on her face as she limped to the City of Shadows, where her elder cousin resided.
In those two examples, I read and rewrote the paragraphs to make the writing flow together.
And lastly, the perspectives and the time period. When I first read the beginning of the chapter, it was in first person, then was switched to third person. I would recommend that you pick one's perspective either in the first person or third person. Otherwise, it will be confusing.
The time period is a good idea for a fantasy novel but I feel like it could be better.
Original:
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New Version:
Fetro 1st, Year 2012
I think the new version is better and it is easy to distinguish.
Overall:
I thought this book has a lot of potential and can be improved. I wouldn't say that this book is my favorite due to the impression from the first chapter. But I would say that it was courageous to ask for feedback on your story and I admired that. Hopefully, you'll take the story to the next level.
