Review completed by Nikachu22. This review is for IkomaSensei's Dating the Ice Prince.
Opening Chapter - The opening chapter was going pretty smoothly. Details were there, and we received a first-hand glimpse of the MC herself with background and the fact that she's quite the complainer/someone who's dealt with a stressful life. That sets up her foundation in introducing her personality. Some expressions, however, had me a little confused.
You wrote,
'She growls to herself with her Spanish voice.'
I'm not sure I understand that. What is a Spanish growl? If you could help me understand, I'd appreciate it. If what you meant was her accent is so heavy that even her growl has a Spanish ring to it then I think that sentence can be reworded to something like this--
Edit: With a heavy accent, she growls.
This will still inform the reader what was trying to say.
Also, at the vending machine. She kind of moves rather quickly in her actions. One moment she's standing and kicking a machine. The next she slumped and then she straightens up. All of these quick movements can be spaced out just a little and insight on her emotional state could be given. You could also use her senses and elaborate so that her actions are not rushed.
Edited:
"Oh, forgive me, Lord." She muttered. Regret filled her, but the swelling and loss of composure hit her harder.
"Death to all!" She yells. Her foot was drawn up and a heavy kick dealt to the vending machine sending the contents inside rattling. She reached out, grabbing hold of each side, fearing that her power strike had been too strong as the machine began to rock back and forth. Her job training told her differently, which expected her to act like a true Japanese. Polite, patient, and a role model for everyone. At this moment, she found that hard to achieve. The itch to let out her frustrations was stronger than some image.
The raised foot lightly tapped at the ground with proud success, before her planted weight began to shift.
"Fucking useless piece of trash--" The heel of her foot slid to one side suddenly. Confused as to what she had been feeling, she tightened her grip on the machine before a darted worried expression landed upon her shoe. Just like the events in her life, this situation too had won. Her cheap office pump cracked, peeling off at the sole. Her head is thrown back, hair sent to dangle lightly behind her as a frustrated scream bellows from her lungs. With a twist, to further break her shoe, and let out some anger she turns and falls dead weight against the bench near the machine. A long sigh ripples through her, expression filled with disappointment. Curled parted lips, a roll of her eyes, and dangling arms between her slim thighs express how defeated she had been.
2) The same goes for their character interaction. The characters seem to be reacting at a very fast pace without much left for me to feel/picture what is really going on. I'd also slow down this scene too because I assume he is the male MC. So this first meeting is everything and the last thing you want to give in the opening chapter is the characters coming together without no depth in their interactions. You'd want more words used to express their feelings than dialogue. Dialogue should only be the icing. Don't tell, show.
You can use the setting, items around the characters, and even the characters themselves to help fill the needed emotions. You can show distinct personality traits that a character has whether it's the way they move or don't move.
