This review is for The Loneliest Time by nicolewriter3. The review was written by Nikachu22.
Any main focus? I would like your thoughts on whether the tone of the story feels "real" or exaggerated. Also, open to any constructive criticism.
My thoughts:
The tone of your story is as real as it gets. Everything seemed like pages of a journal that is told by a character who doesn't even know how to feel. As a kid in high school. Doesn't seem to be a story with a plot/character growth/MC making it towards a goal.
The blurb speaks of an actual storyline, but when I read it... I don't see much of a story at all even when I got to the chapters where she meets Lucas.
What I mean is it isn't told in a story way, but more of an "I think of this... I went through this." There are chapters dedicated to what she feels about Carrie and what Taylor Swift did, but I don't understand how that relates to the blurb. I know they are big parts of her identity and it shows the things she does not/does like, but the interest in reading it falls a little flat.
I think the blurb is very misleading and the whole story should be considered a journal instead. Things in her life that she feels and has been through. Things that she wants the readers to know and things that are important to her, but these things need to be told in a way that is inviting. Grasping the reader through relation and a lot of emotional conflictions.
Each chapter seems to be a memory recalled from MC or her just narrating everything. She's left to assume, making me as a reader assume as well, and not having the other characters to feel out, sort of disconnects me from the individuality of the characters. I'm not sure if anything in the entries is able to keep readers interested for too long. When it comes to things like this what you want to do is keep the interest alive as much as possible.
I would have liked to see the blurb in action sooner and that be the main focus whether it starts off in the beginning or comes in after a few more chapters and then takes over completely. Meeting the guy and then having the emotional roller coaster the blurb hints at.
The first chapter with the group meeting was done really well, but then after that it spiraled into chapters of 'Here's what I think.'
There are moments of her going places and seeing things, but everything is told from her feelings which skips over scenes that allow us to really grasp who she is. She isn't really an emotional teller either, so we can't seem to hold onto what is being told on a connecting level.
If you desire a more engaging memory, I'd suggest adding some more heartfelt emotions from her as she speaks. Really tell us what she felt and even give us things that point to her suffering physically. They don't have to be too much, but anxiety explained in detail can go a long way.
From what I gather by the tone of the words and how she expresses herself, she is just a simple girl, living life, and struggling to find herself, but that needs to be felt rather than her telling us. There are a lot of people out there who are trying to find themselves just as she is.
All of these expectations would be removed if the blurb was revised.
What you can also do is during the time she is with Lucas, kind of slow the scene and really get ahold of what's going on so that more can be portrayed through them. It would be nice to feel Lucas from a didn't perspective rather than her telling us.
Maybe have the moments go from her explaining what happened, in the beginning, to suddenly telling it as if she is reliving the situations all over again or have it completely change into the scene. Still, in the end, it's just her again playing the scene over in her mind. This is where the focus can shift and the other characters can come alive on their own.
Also, I'll suggest introducing the idea in the blurb very early. Like say the 2nd chapter after the group meeting and then once you get her and Lucas out of the way, you can build up everything from there on. This will give us insight into her as a character early on as well as start to move her through the character development process. This will keep readers more engaged.
If you truly want us to know how she feels then it is best to show us. Keep her thoughts plastered all over the book if that's the true perspective you want, but have broken moments where she doesn't have to constantly explain to us her day and show us her day. These moments will boost everything in my opinion.
You can use words like... "I remember it as if it was five minutes ago." before she suddenly dives down memory lane.
Act like we are the journal that she is writing into and we find that out as the story goes on. She can end her memories like
"Well, til next time. XOXOXO."
This will add some plot twists and spunk.
This route opens the door up to a lot of things in my opinion.
Overall, I do love her innocence and the way she carries herself. She is just a nerd, loving movies and being a young girl. She's normal, but at the same time... not because teenagers/children are in the weirdest stages of growth.
You grasp that well.
Then you throw in the LGBTQ and boom that adds another level. I enjoyed the way you typed. Some paragraphs were large (containing more than 3-5 sentences) and some of the chapters were a bit short, but I understand why.
You may have to add little outrageous things in there to jump-start the calmer chapters. Maybe she daydreams as she's writing. She begins to tell some outrageous story about love and her heart palpitations/flutters. You know, the butterflies in the stomach.
Thank you for allowing me to review your work. It brought back a lot of my own awkwardness as a growing kid and I think this book has great potential. I just think it needs a more clear and spunky route. The overall idea of the story I get it.
