It's a Funny Story

Funny Motivational Thoughts And Sayings

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Mae West

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

W. C. Fields

Iwish my name was Braian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like afree compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it.

Mitch Hedberg

I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Carl Sandburg

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Ellen DeGeneres

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

George Carlin

Wine is constant proof that Good loves us and loves to see us happy.

Benjamin Franklin

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

Scott Adams

My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. I told him, if you don’t mind I’d like a second opinion. He said, alright… you’re ugly too!

Rodney Dangerfield

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

W. C. Fields

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

General Arthur McAuliff

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

Steven Wright

A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.

Bill Cosby

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Mark Twain

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

Katharine Hepburn

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

Emo Philips

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

Two things are infinite: the Universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the Universe.

Albert Einstein

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaagghhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane and everyone joins in.

Tommy Cooper

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Steven Wright

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded and has a better view.

George Carlin

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money.

Joe Weinstein

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they’re going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Elizabeth Taylor

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I’d just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

Jack Handey

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

Mayor Marion Barry

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

Emo Phillips

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, than it’s you.

Rita Mae Brown

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don’t run with wooden stakes.

Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh. I grant you that the wheel was also fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Dave Barry

Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask: “Where have I gone weong?” Then a voice says to me: “This is going to take more than one night.”

Charlie Brown

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

Charles D. Warner

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

Ed Furgol

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Jay Leno

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

Ed Gardner

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

A. Whitey Brown

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Herbert Henry Asquit

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Mark Twain

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Dave Edison

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whitch one do you like the best?