It's a Funny Story

The End of Relationship

Sometimes a relationship ends. The loss of anything is painful. Grieving is appropriate.

Missing the opportunity to grieve appropriately may create the necessity for another opportunity. At some point, when you’re really strong enough to be vulnerable, brave enough to be fearful, and honest enough with yourself to express everything, all your stored up grief and sadness may be released at once.

Part of grieving is cleansing. Perhaps this is why there are tears... to help wash away the residue, the threads that keep you hooked to what you’ve lost. The letting go is painful, but right.

There is a way of seeing life that acknowledges the rightness of everything that happens. Can you look back at some event that appeared tragic at the time, the loss of a job, the end of a love, and see, along with the pain and sadness, a gift or blessing?

Paul Brenner, M.D.:

For any healthy relationship it takes two to say "yes" and one to say "no".

Perhaps the timely completion of a relationship is an acknowledgement of its success, and

not a sign of its failure.

In order to end a relationship successfully, a ritual or ceremony that honours it and celebrates its success may be helpful. When every reasonable attempt has been made to "work it out", to communicate with honesty and compassion, to understand each other’s needs and views, to express feelings without pointing fingers, and to consider consequences realistically, it may be necessary to stand back and accept that it’s over.

If possible, suggest to your partner that you’d like to celebrate the relationship with a completion ceremony. The important ingredients to bring to the ceremony you decide on are acceptance and appreciation. It won’t work if one person is feeling like a victim. In that case, you may need to do the ritual alone, or with another friend. (The presence of a third person is recommended even when both partners are willing to celebrate and complete.)

Whether you do it together or alone, at the end of a relationship or years later, allow yourself to see the gift of the relationship. Acknowledge its purpose, what it achieved. Congratulate yourself (and your partner) for your role in that success. Appreciate your growth and your capacity for pain. Don’t ever think it unnecessary to grieve. No matter how much gratitude you may feel that the relationship is over, it is a loss. Sadness (and grieving) is appropriate

along with the celebration.