It's a Funny Story

Funny Quotes by Comedians

Nearly every comedian has his own type of humour. Some of them like short, witty jokes, others prefer telling funny stories. Whatever their type of humour is like, hardly anyone can avoid laughing at their jokes...

Therefore enjoy your reading of funny quotes by the best comedians!

"I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone."

 -Tommy Cooper quotes

"My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him."

-Jack Handy quotes

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"

-Tommy Cooper quotes

"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."

-Emo Philips quotes

"I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did."

-Jeff Foxworthy quotes

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

-Jerry Seinfeld quotes

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

-Brooke Shields

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

-Tommy Cooper

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."

-Groucho Marx

"Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as we think"

-Tom Wilson

"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."

-Eric Morecambe

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."

-Marty Feldman

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

-Rodney Dangerfield

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

-Stephen Wright

"The magician and the politician have much in common: they both have to draw our attention away from what they are really doing."

-Ben Okri

"People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine."

-David Letterman

"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

-Joan Rivers

"I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

-Jay Leno

"I was such an ugly kid - When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up"

-Rodney Dangerfield

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives"

-Sue Murphy

"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot."

-Jay Leno

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"

-Stephen Wright