It's a Funny Story

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time

lIf you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

lWhen I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

lYou were looking good from afar.. now you're far from looking good.

lLearn from your parents' mistakes, use birth control!

lThe universe is laughing behind your back.

lThose of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.

lAre you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think what I think I'm thinking then we've got a problem?

lHonesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.

lI'm not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.

lA positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

lLove your enemies.. it pisses them off.

lThe human race is lucky I'm a nice guy, otherwise only 1/4 of them would be alive right now.

lA paper should be like a mini skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep it interesting.

lSometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

lIf you plugged your nose and your mouth while you sneezed, would it come out of your ears or would your head explode?

lLife is like a roller coaster, and I'm about to throw up.

lI don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

lI work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

lI used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

lDon't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

lYou're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

lEarth is the insane asylum for the universe.

lI'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

lOut of my mind. Back in five minutes.