It Was Always You

●Chapter 13●

"And when you're fifteen, somebody tells you they love you and you're going to believe them."
-Taylor Swift.

When I was fourteen I remember opening the door to my mother crying hysterically. Her face was covered with tears and she was shaking. I was so shocked. I didn't know the reason she was crying but looking at my own mother like that I knew the tears were on their way. But I knew I had to stay strong.

"Maa, what happened? Are you okay?"

"I hate your father! The only reason I cam back is you."

I didn't know what hurt more, the fact that she hated the man she had married or the fact that she had to stay with someone she didn't even love. But it hurt.

I was about to ask her what had happened when the doorbell rang again.

"Must be him." she said. I could feel the loathe in her voice. I didn't say anything and went to answer the door.

It was him. My father. What had he done? He smelled so weird. He smelled bad. Was he drinking? I wouldn't know because I didn't know what alcohol smelled like. I was just fourteen.

"Hey dad." I tried to put up a smile. Someone had to lighten the situation. The tension was so thick.

"Emily go to your room I have to talk to your mother alone."

I didn't want to leave her alone. I was scared. I don't know why. I just had a feeling that tonight was going to be one of those nights where thoughts would haunt me untill sunrise the next day.

I went to my room and sat down nervously next to my door. I would have to go out if shit would go down. And something made me feel it would.

A few minutes and I heard my father yell so bad it made my heart jump with fear. He kept yelling and my mom kept screaming. Soon I could hear the sound of glass breaking and abusive words coming out of both of them. It was so loud. I was awfully scared. I could hear my heartbeating faster every second. That was the day I experienced something new. My chest was aching. Right in the middle where the doctors say lies the heart. I didn't know what to do. Why were they fighting? Sure I've seen my parents fight alot before but I figured that's what happens when two strongminded people live together. But tonight was different and I could feel it in my nerves, the ache in my chest gave it all away.

And in the midst of all the thinking, I heard my mom crying out even louder than before and the door getting banged with such force that the windows in my room shook. I had to go. What had happened?

I saw my mom holding her cheek and lying on the floor. Some of her hair was covering her face and her eyes were swollen from all the crying. I couldn't control it, I started crying and rushed towards her.

"Maa, what happened? Did dad hit you?"

"Yes" was all she could say before she starting crying out loud again.

I went to hug her but she slowly pushed me away. I figured she didn't want to talk. But I couldn't leave her. I sat there.

How could he? How could he hit my mother? I was furious. I felt so helpless.

I was just fourteen when I saw my mother lying on the floor crying her eyes out. Her hand was not on her cheek anymore and I could see the red marks on her cheek. Crying turned into sobbing and eventually she was just looking up and starring into space.
"He cheated on me." She said looking at me, tears threatening to come out. There comes the chest pain again. She starting crying again and I hugged her. I hugged her with all I had. She hugged with so tight as if she was afraid I would leave. By this time, I was crying too. And when I hugged her I thought, he was supposed to love her, and he's hurt her, in a way she might never be able to heal. Is that love? Definitely not. You don't hurt the people you love.

I don't remember how long we hugged but it was long enough for her to calm down. I don't really think anyone can calm down over something like that but for the moment she did calm down. She pulled away and held my shoulders. She kissed me on my forehead and said, "Love doesn't exist Emily, so don't ever ruin your life over some man who claims to love you. Okay?"

I was just fourteen. I was a kid. I did what my mom told me do. I said, "Okay."

I'm 24 years old now. And I've met people and read posts on tumbler which say pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice. And I highly disagree. Because I don't think an independent and joyfull person like my mother chose to suffer. She was heartbroken. And I'm not going to glorify heartbreak. There's nothing beautiful about it. You can't push it away like we push that dress at the back of the closet. You can't eat it away like one of the veggies you hate thinking it'll be over once its down your throat. No. You can't hide from it, not long enough because it'll creep back in thought the smallest cracks. You can't run from it long enough. You're there and so is the pain and with pain comes suffering whether you want it or not. Because in that moment nobody can protect you. You'll have to stand right there at that point and endure it. You'll be feeling weak, like everything is falling apart inside and out. But you'll have to fight it.

I saw my mom suffering for months and months after that. I saw my mom fighting with my dad almost every other night. The neighbours would complain about the noise and the fights in the middle of the night. Little did they know that the greatest fight she was having was with herself. The silent one. The ones which don't ever end, inside your head. They just give you a headache until you're so exhausted you fall asleep. I've seen her miserable. I've seen the way she would look at my dad and every human instinct in her body would scream for her to run away from him and this chaos we called a home. But then she would look at me and slowly fight away all those instincts. I knew it wasn't easy but she had to do it. I swore to myself I wouldn't make the same mistakes she did. I would never be my mother!

Months and months passed and my grades went down in school. It was not a usual thing for me. A usual thing for me would be placing a rank amongst the top five students. But this year had been different and it had taken a toll on my studies. My teachers would often ask if everything was okay and if I needed any help i could go to them. But all i said was, "I'm fine, thankyou." Soon enough my friends started worrying because I wouldn't eat at lunchbreaks. I wouldn't talk much in class. Every other morning I would have puffy eyes because of crying for hours the night before. They would try to cheer me up and ask me whats going on but I would smile and say, "I'm fine." And as i read somewhere, my life had become- a long line of fine.

Untill. Untill I met this guy will all smiles. He was the new guy in school who was always smiling. Once in class he looked back towards where I sat and smiled, and I smiled back. And I didn't realise it untill I saw him smiling even more. Such beautiful hazel eyes. I was fifteen and I knew if he ever told me he loved me, my heart would believe him. And with that, my smile faded away.

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A/N: I teared up even while writing this chapter.

I hope you guys like it. :)

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