Monologues for the Young Actor [Monologue Collection]

7. The Un-Comedic Comedian (C)

a wannabe comedian tries (and fails) to amuse their audience  

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Est. Run Time: 1:45.00-2:00.00

Suggested Props: none

Suggested Costuming: something stupid, clown-like, or comedian-like

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Oh, gee, mister, it's so great to be here tonight! I'm so glad you invited me! My name is Mick E. Mouse, and since the original performer couldn't make it—neither could the backup, by the way—as the backup to the backup, looks like I'm gonna be stepping in as your entertainment for tonight, ladies and gents!

See, I'm a comedian. Been doing performances at funerals for what, fifteen years now? Used to perform at nursing homes, but they just didn't get my humor there, so I went to funeral homes instead. I also perform in alleyways, but recently I was upgraded to street corners. I'm getting up there, ladies and gents!

So, let's start out the night with a few jokes that you probably already know, since I looked them up on the internet.

Okay, okay, here we go. Why did the chicken cross the playground? *waits for a response* To get to the other slide! *frowns* Wait, I said that wrong.

*clears throat* Anyway. So what do you get when you cross a track and field star with a computer? *waits for a response again* A floppy discus thrower! Ha! *pauses* ...No? Nothing?

*in response to the audience's lack of response* Well golly, aren't you all a hard crowd to please.

All right. Now here's one that I learned when I went out to visit my aunt Sally's farm in the country. Knock knock.

(Who's there?)

Impatient cow.

(Impatient cow who—)

MOO!

*points fingers, grinning* Eh? Eh? *becomes nervous because of no response* Oh, gee. Oh, gee, oh, gee, oh, gee. What do I do, mister? None of my jokes are making them laugh. Uh, why did the chicken cross the road? Wh-why did the—uh, knock knock who's there, orange orange who, I, uh— *pauses to calm down*

*straightens clothes* Well, as a performer, I know when it's my turn to go onstage. And, I also know when [it's my turn] to get off. *runs for it*

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Notes: For whatever reason, ever since I first wrote this one, whenever I read this one I always do it in a cheesy Bostonian accent. No clue why. I also like to think that this one is actually funny, despite what the name says...but that's up to you all, I suppose.... Additionally, if you feel like it, a cool thing to add dimension to this monologue would be to ask an actual audience member/auditioner the joke to have them respond to you. This would be especially good if auditioning for something (such as, perhaps, a dinner theatre) that might require audience interaction.