Monologues for the Young Actor [Monologue Collection]

20. Don't be a Beach! (C)

a person rants about the beach and how bitchy it can be  

*

Est. Run Time: 1:45.00-2:00.00

Suggested Props: none

Suggested Costuming: none

*

Beach.

*said after a pause* Bitch.

*said after a shorter pause, getting faster and faster* Beach. Bitch. Beach. Bitch. Beachbitch.

They're remarkably similar words, aren't they? Maybe that's for a reason. After all, they are essentially synonyms. No joke.

*after a pause* What, you don't think the beach is that bad? *laughing disbelievingly* Have you ever been to the beach? Well, I have. And believe me, I regretted every second of it.

Every single aspect of the beach is bad. Do you want me to list things? Because I can. *after a pause* You know what, fine. I will.

Well, first of all, there's the heat. That unbearable heat. God, it's so hot at the beach that I'm starting to get sweaty just thinking about it! *airing out armpit* It is so not cute to be sweaty. Like, how do those girls do it? And then the water's so freezing cold, like an icicle, even when it's like, a hundred and twenty degrees out! Plus, being wet is so not cute either. I don't know how those girls manage that, either. I always just look like a drowned rat. A freezing drowned rat.

Next, there's the astounding lack of clothing present. I mean, yeah, if there's a hot guy with major abs in a speedo, all right, fine, yeah, I'm totally going to check out that hunk. Even the cute girls in bikinis, too. But...I don't know. A bikini is essentially a bra and underwear, so how is it okay to wear one and yet not the other in public? And then the Europeans seem to think that every beach is nudist. That's caused a couple mentally scarring moments. Oh, and then there are the people who think they look so great with practically nothing on, and they so don't. *after a pause* At least I'm honest with myself about it. *gesturing to my body* This thing stays in a one-piece, believe me.

Oh, and let's not forget the sun. How do people manage to successfully suntan? I mean, three hundred and sixty-four days of the year, I look like a vampire, and the one time I stupidly try to suntan I turn into a tomato. Have you seen this white skin? I don't tan, I burn. And I don't dare try to spray suntan, either. I have no wish to look like any kind of fruit anytime soon. Not a tomato, not an orange. [Plus, can't have anyone thinking I'm related to a certain someone sitting up in DC right now....]

And then there's the sand. Oh, the sand. Ew, the sand.

It's so disgusting, sand is. It literally gets everywhere. Even when I'm fully clothed and don't once sit down in the sand, it still finds a way to get in really uncomfortable places! *gesturing to certain parts of the body* And then I'll be showering, like, a week later, and I'll find sand in some new spot[, and the sand's all like, surprise, bitch! I'm still here!]. [Asses were not meant to have sand in them.] *angrily frustrated* It just drives me insane! Absolutely insane.

Beach. Bitch. Synonyms. They're definitely synonyms. *after a pause* Hmm. Beach. Bitch. The beach is a bitch.

I guess that's why I'm more of a mountains person.

*shuddering* God, do not get me started on that damn sand....

*

I have never been able to perform this monologue for others, but oh, I wish. I cannot because my performances are often school-related, and for obvious reasons, this probably should not be performed at a high school (even though, as a high schooler, I have heard much, much worse in the hallways before...). This would be a very fun one, though. It is longer, so it probably would not work the best as an audition monologue, unless you want to shorten it and get it to around one minute.