Monologues for the Young Actor [Monologue Collection]

11. Did Somebody Say Accent? (C)

an auditionee attempts to show off their (lackluster) accent skills  

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Est. Run Time: 1:45.00

Suggested Props: none

Suggested Costuming: none

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*walking in* Hello! I'm here to audition for—oh, wait, did you just say you need actors with special talents? I've got you.

You know, I have so many special talents that I often lose count. I can do handstands, I can do flips, I can do cartwheels...I can fit ten pencils in my nostrils, and I can burp not only the alphabet, but the star-spangled banner! I can tap-dance and do ballet...oh, and I'm licensed and have a mean aim if you ever need anyone...taken care of. Plus, I play a mean kazoo. Oh, and even if you don't want me in ensemble, if you need a recorder-player in the orchestra pit, I'm free Monday through Friday from two P.M. until nine P.M. sharp!

*pauses, as if listening to someone* Oh, you're not looking for someone as amazingly talented as me?

*pauses again* WAIT A MINUTE. Did somebody say...accent? You want actors who can fake accents? Well, I got you there, too!

What kind of accent do you want? *prim, proper British accent* Because I can be as English as you'd like. *roguish Scottish accent* Or maybe yeh be looking fer a noice bagpipe-playing Scotsman, ay, laddie? Or...how about an Australian? G'day, mate! Me best friend's a wallaby!

*pauses* No? That's not quite what you're going for? Well... *adopting a horrible French accent* 'ow about a French accent, oui? Ohonhon...ze language of l'amour, parfait, non? *over-exaggerated Italian accent* Or-a maybe you would-a like-a an Italian accent? And-a maybe a side of-a spaghetti linguini penne something pasta with-a that?

*going back to normal voice* Or are you maybe going for something a little less European. Do you want an American accent? That's my natural one, baby. *switching to a stereotypical Bostonian accent* Or if you'd like a Bostonian accent, well, park da car at Harvard yard and come on over! Ooh, ooh, and my best one yet. *going into a horrible southern accent* How about a nice, country southern accent? I even have the low IQ to go with it!

*pauses, listening again* No? None of those either? That's okay. *in an accent of choice* I've got loads more from where those came from!

*pausing again* ...No? You've seen enough? Okay.

*in another accent of choice* Well, tell me when the callbacks list is posted!

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This monologue needs a little work and editing on my part, especially considering I wrote it in about five minutes. But it can still be amusing when performed. And feel free to ad lib your own stuff in there! That would really add to the dynamics and the liveliness of this monologue, which is definitely one intended to be a very out-there monologue. I would not recommend this monologue for auditions (unless you audition for a character who is known for a specific accent or accents), but it would be a good piece for just plain fun entertainment or for a theatre class.

Note: This monologue is not intended to offend (as I am perfectly aware that people from all of these places do not necessarily have these accents). Rather, my intent was more to make fun of the people who actually believe this is true.