Closet Thoughts (a short Joshler story) 🏳️‍🌈 ✔️

🌧1🌧🌈🌧

How to not dress gay

Tyler hit "Enter" on his keyboard and waited for the google search results to come up.

Yeah, maybe it was stupid. But he just didn't want to look gay. Because he wasn't. Well, not to anyone outside of his own safe closet space that he was in. 'Cause that's where he was: in the closet, while being gay, and no one knew it, except for himself.

Well, maybe his parents knew, or his sister. He wasn't sure about that but they may have a suspicion.

Maybe it was his love for Queer Eye and his crush on all five guys that gave it away. He couldn't help it that he just wanted to cook a meal with Antoni's help; him standing behind Tyler while he guided his hands, or have Jonathan run his hands through his hair, or cuddle with Bobby on the couch, or wear matching graphic button down shirts with a French tuck with Tan, and just casually be pushed against the wall and make out with Karamo.

He wasn't too scared when it came to his family's opinion. He was nervous yes, but he was fairly sure they'd be somewhat okay with it.

However, he was still terrified. He really didn't want to come out. There was a reason for that.

Tyler was a great guy. He was one of the most popular and loved kids in high school. He had a huge group of friends, had good grades, was loved by teachers. He and his best friend, Josh Dun, were the best basketball players in the team and both got scholarships at the same university, which they were looking so forward to. It was their last year in high school after all.

But while Tyler had huge crushes on Antoni, Bobby, Jonathan, Tan and Karamo, his biggest crush, of course, had to be his best friend Josh Dun. Yeah. How cliché.

It made Tyler feel terrible, though. Ever since he found out he liked guys, and was in love with his best friend, his mental health dropped rapidly. He was just so scared of losing his best friend; his team; his friends; his scholarship. He was terrified of the future if he were to come out as a gay man, student, basketball player. A gay best friend to Josh. He hated that thought.

He never really believed in God but he prayed anyways. Prayed to not make him gay  if he was out there. Prayed to make him a normal guy because he was so so scared. He didn't want to be gay. Didn't want to be in love with boys. He wanted to be normal and be loved. He didn't want to lose anyone or anything because he was gay.

To protect that, Tyler pretended to be someone he was not.

He didn't want to look gay, didn't tell anyone about his Queer Eye obsession, and he certainly didn't tell anyone about his crush. He completely ignored anything that had something to do with the gay community: didn't let anyone know he loved Lady Gaga so much because she accepted him, ignored all the pride parades this Pride month, and didn't dare to look at anything with a rainbow on it in case his eyes would linger too long and someone would notice it. He never hugged his male friends first, never made gay jokes together like some of them did, never told a friend he loved them.

He did anything, anything he could to make everyone believe he was not gay.

It was taking a toll on him.

Lately his grades had been dropping, because instead of studying, Tyler spent the time in his room crying. And on top of that, it was getting harder and harder for him to cover up any self harm scars and cuts from his basketball team, 'cause they were all expected to not care in the dressing room: they were all fit, they were all friends, so they were expected to just change and shower in the same room altogether.

For Tyler it was already hard enough to not look down at all the shirtless torsos with beautiful muscled arms and the occasional naked dicks when showering; he could also hardly cover up his wounds.

He usually went for the 'private' secluded shower and made sure he didn't have to change in the same room beforehand by already changing into his basketball clothes at home.

But then there was the usual; for example his shirt riding up while playing a game. He remembers seeing a picture of him playing a very important game, and he could see some of his cuts on his side. His team asked questions and Tyler told them it was his cat, which resulted into his team making terrible jokes like 'so you get naked around pussy'. He hated the jokes even more than the pictures where the cuts were visible on. The jokes were so straight and Tyler was not. But he laughed at them, let them make the jokes, because of course, Tyler Joseph was not gay.

He sighed, getting up from his desk chair. He grabbed a shirt with the old school Nirvana logo on it and put it on over his black jeans. He always wondered if skinny jeans made him look too gay, but noticed that most guys in school actually wore them. As long as they weren't too insanely tight. So he could wear his jeans safely. He put on some Vans and looked in the mirror. He ruffled his hair a bit, not wanting it to look like he'd spent four hours on it in the morning.

He grabbed his backpack and checked himself in the mirror one more time. Then he made his way downstairs.

"Good morning", he said as he walked into the kitchen. "I'm late so I don't have time to stay for breakfast, sorry", he said to his mom as he grabbed a sandwich and pecked her cheek. "Of course, could've expected that", she teased. Tyler smiled. "Bye mom, by Maddy, see you after school", he said. "Have a good day at school, honey! Aren't you forgetting something?" She asked as she saw Tyler hurry to the front door. He turned around. "Right, I am", he said, grabbing his sports bag. "See you after training", he then said. "Love you!" Momma Joseph called out. "Love you too mom", Tyler replied, before heading out of the front door. His heart already skipped a beat when he saw his best friend's car in front of his house. Tyler opened the trunk, tossed his sports bag in, and closed it. Then he got in the passenger's seat. "Hey bestie", Josh smiled at him.

Tyler blushed. "Hey J", he said, putting his seat belt on. "Everything alright?" He asked. "Yeah, you?" He asked. Tyler smiled, nodding.

Not really. He wasn't alright at all. Internally, his morning was the worst. His anxiety was shooting bullets at him, and after what happened in the middle of the night, showering had been insanely painful this morning. His wounds hurt like hell. And he was insanely tired. But now that he looked in Josh's eyes, he couldn't help but smile. 'Cause every time he lost himself in Josh's eyes, he was alright.

~~

Here it is! Chapter 1 of this story! So happy I decided to make a story out of this instead of just a one-shot. Pride Month deserves more than a one-shot 'cause this is our month!

What did you think of this? Let me know! Brb, writing chapter 2!

Word count: 1270