Joan

Chapter XXXIII

Though it's not remotely cold out here in the rainforest in the dead of night, a shiver runs down my spine anyway, causing me to hug myself for warmth.

That was something else. I can't even wrap my head around what just happened- it felt like a realistic dream, but it had to be real, everything felt real.

My body eventually recovers from the shocking, unexpected kiss at the end, but my brain is still fried. So, what else is there to do but pace and try to collect myself, asking the question of the hour.

"What the hell just happened?" I mumble to myself.

I don't know what Tymos thought he was trying to accomplish by this. Get under my skin? Show me the extent of his power? Be a dick? I don't fully know, but that's not the thing that bothers me the most right now. What's churning in my mind is that flashback he took me to, the one that took me for a loop. To try and claim that guy was my father, it enrages me to even think about- to think Tymos is that desperate to intimidate me that he creates a false scene for me to witness and believe it's my dad, I mean, it's pathetic.

It has to be a lie, that's all it was, nothing more than Tymos playing mind games.

But...

I pause in my pacing and growl, stomping my foot in frustration as I stare up at the blocked night sky.

I know that it was all a mind game to manipulate me, I know that, but...I can't shake this stupid feeling in the far corner of my mind that carries that small amount of doubt. It's just the regular "what if" double-guessing that gets nobody anywhere.

I know my dad, and even though there are some things he's kept secret, I know he could never be capable of the inhuman acts Tymos would try and make me believe he did. It's never going to happen- I trust my dad.

Now that that dilemma is stored away, I can reflect on the part that actually- as much as I hate to admit it- got under my skin.

Who are you? That question he posed, I heard it before but from my mom. She asked me it once and I brushed it off like I usually do with everything. But when he asked me that, it opened up a whole different door for me. In all my years of living, I've always been steady in myself, always comfortable and at ease, but for the first time in my life I'm hesitating.

Who am I?

I've never questioned my identity before, but it's like everything is hitting me right here right now, and none of it is tallying up the way it usually does. I'm Joan Domshov, but what is a Domshov? Someone from Transylvania? Someone from Edalirwen? A king? A tyrant? It's not a clear picture anymore.

Then there's running. There's always good old running. I'm a runner, a future Olympian, a winner, but there are flashbacks to tryouts and how big of a fool I made myself look. I'm a runner who isn't champion material 24/7, so what am I?

"No," I pause again. "No, no, no, you're not doing this to yourself. Stop it right now. This is stupid, he's stupid, he's trying to manipulate you, make you paranoid, but it's not happening. I know who I am and I know my dad and I know that I'm going to get my brother back."

Stepping back to see the big picture, I know that my lesson from this whole ordeal is not to underestimate my opponent. Tymos is cunning, like a snake, and has a lot more power than I previously thought- that's on me for ignoring the warning, but I know better now.

Remembering that parting kiss again, I gag and roughly wipe my lips until they hurt. I might never feel completely clean again, but I've tried my best.

Instead of heading back inside, I linger, taking in the heavy humid air. This no longer feels like an epic mind-trip, now it's just an infuriating reality, like a rigged video game whose boss level you can't pass no matter how many cheats you try. I only have a few days left to try and reach the "boss" level- without any cheats, mind you- and I still feel ages away from my goal.