Joan

Chapter XLIII

I thought sitting next to the kid you just finished talking shit about- which they overheard- was awkward, but I clearly haven't experienced the worse of it as proven by this funeral procession. Not only has the wind been knocked out of our sails, but our sails have been torn from the masses.

Nobody wants to talk, instead, we're all left mulling over things of the past that we'd rather forget. Though not trying to downplay what the others must be going through, I feel an even heavier weight seeing as I was the one that put us in that situation. If it hadn't been for my consequences catching up to me then we wouldn't have had to go through that.

Would it have been nice to know that Nimu's been sleeping with the enemy? Yeah. Would it also have been nice to know that Lan feels guilty over his family's death? Of course. But did I need to know it all? That's debatable. Maybe in the beginning when I first met these guys, yeah, this is the stuff I would have preferred to know about, but after going through hell and back with them I don't feel the same pressing need to know their dirty laundry, at least not as acutely as before. Maybe they've just grown on me and I was starting to trust them- seeing as we're in this mess with nothing but trust- but I didn't feel like I needed to know everything like I had once clamored to.

We continue to walk in silence, leaving the pond behind us, until Chasan quietly speaks up.

"So this is how we're going to do this? Just act as if nothing's happened?"

Nobody responds at first until Lan lets out a heavy, miserable sigh.

"What are we supposed to do?"

Chasan shrugs weakly. "I don't know. Talk about it maybe?"

Lan simply lets out another burdened sigh. And so the conversation dies again. That is until Nimu makes an abrupt stop.

"I don't think I can do this," She says, shaking her head at the ground.

"Do what?" I ask, confused at the suddenness of this all.

She looks up now and feebly gestures around. "This. How can we all pretend that nothing is wrong for the rest of this quest? I can't go any further, not after everything."

"Look, we all admitted some pretty heavy ish back there, but we're still in this together," I say trying to sound encouraging. "We can forget all of that and move on."

"Forget all of it?" Lan says incredulously. "How can we forget any of that?" He slumps his shoulders in defeat. "Everything we said was the truth and part of us."

"Part of our past," I continue to try and be positive though it hurts my pessimistic soul.

"Most of our pasts," Chasan mutters under his breath, giving Nimu a sideways look.

Nimu catches it, though, and vigorously shakes her head. "I'm sorry, Joan, but it was a mistake for me to even leave the village and go out here on this quest."

"Then why did you?" Lan asks, his brow furrowed.

"Because you were and I knew how much trouble you could get into if you ran off with someone like her on a quest like this."

I should be insulted but it's kinda true- I wasn't up to any good during the first half of this adventure.

Lan, though, doesn't take as kindly to her response.

"You don't have to act as my guardian," He grumbles.

"I wasn't trying to, I just wanted to know you would be okay."

"So this had nothing to do about Tymos?" Chasan critically questions her.

"No," She hisses. "He doesn't mean anything to me."