My Roommate Is A Tomboy

The Inner Battle

The night seemed to go on forever. Lena and Courtney retired to their rooms to get some rest. I couldn't reach Ella's number and I couldn't leave Jenny alone to go and check her out. I played caveman story but realized I was dozing more than I was playing. I put my phone aside and yawned. I was damn tired. Jenny showed no sign of movement at all. I contemplated whether to go get some company or keep staying. Then I decided I would just stay by Jenny's side. That was the least I could do for her. I was lost in thought till I heard my phone vibrate on the table. Half asleep I picked up and saw Ella's name lighting up my phone.

"Hello, where are you? " came Ella's voice on the other end.

"Medical ward, " I replied.

"Why? " I heard Ella's voice panicked. "Are you okay? What's happening? "

"It's Jenny, " I answered. "She's had a heart attack. "

A few moments later, Ella rushed to the cabin, looking scared and panicky.

"What happened Liz? " she asked out of breath.

"Ella, we need to talk."

A brief and sudden look of dismay crossed Ella's face as she sat down on the chair beside me. She shifted in her seat nervously without saying a word. I felt like she was feeling like it was her fault and that she was to blame. She peered into my eyes. She looked scared. I felt sorry her birthday had to end this way. But things needed to be sorted out.

"Ella, I-

"It was because of me, wasn't it? " she interrupted.

"Sssh... Nobody blames you, thats the first thing you need to know, " I started. "Apparently, Jenny loves you a little too much."

I saw Ella's expression flinch for a moment.

"She has a weak heart and apparently, she couldn't take the pain of this one sided love."

I didn't know how to go on. How could I force her to love someone? How could I give her away to someone else? After a long silence, Ella cleared her throat.

"So what do you expect me to do? " she directed the question I had been dreading at me.

I looked at her. Felt dumb. Felt numb. Her radiant eyes almost close to tears. Then I glanced at Jenny. Why? Jenny, why Ella?

"Date her? " Ella asked.

I couldn't reply.

"Love her? " she asked again.

A searing pain crossed my chest. I never imagined I would ever find myself in this kind of affair. From that moment on, I realized something. All the butterflies, all the peace, the fears and the nervousness came to me because I had feelings for Ella all along. I realized that I loved her right from the start. Only I was too scared and awkward to admit it to myself. I tried to blink back tears. Right now, it was not about me, it was about Jenny's life. I had to be strong. I had to know how to sacrifice.

"Exactly, " I replied, trying to hide the sadness in my voice.

"Liz, are you serious? "

I nodded and half smiled.

Ella stared at me in disbelief. Her mouth slightly opened in wonder. I wished I could laugh out and tell her I was just messing around. What a treat of a sight that would be! Then she looked away. I couldn't bear to stay there with her in deadly silence any longer. I got up and left the room in silence, leaving behind just the two of them-a sick Jenny and a broken Ella.

I had gone straight to my room and got under the covers. I felt it would be a sleepless night. I tried to think happy. I thought about my wonderful day out and smiled a little picturing the boat ride. Then, Ella's serious face came to my mind. "If eyes could speak..." and suddenly I found myself swimming in an ocean of overwhelming sadness. I knew I can't have her, it would be taboo. But it almost felt like I'd lost someone I never even had. Lost in the sea of sadness, I must have fallen asleep cause when I opened my eyes, I realized it was bright. I also realized something else. I wasn't sleeping alone.

My back felt warm. That was the first thing I realized. The second was the arm around my waist. For a moment, I was shocked to immobility. Pulling myself together, I turned and saw Ella sleeping beside me. I don't know what emotions went through me. I was happy, mad and sad and surprised. She opened her eyes. Red eyes. Puffy. Dark circles.

"Ella? "

"Good morning, " she murmured and closed her eyes again.

"Ella what are you doing? "

"Sleeping, " she murmured.

I didn't know what to ask first.

"What about Jenny? When did you come back? "

"Jennifer? " she replied. "Lena came over so I came back. "

I wondered if she understood any of the conversation we had the previous night. Part of me wished she didn't.

"But last night, " I started. "We made some agreement and..

"It was you who made the agreement Liz, " she said sitting up. "I did not say anything. Remember? "

"But Ella..

"Liz, " she said in a soft tone. "Are you really serious about last night? "

I looked her in the eyes. Tired eyes. I had to be defiant. But she was melting my heart just by staring at me.

"Don't you know just how much I love you Liz? " she said. "Im sorry, maybe my love is abnormal. And of course you'd want a man who can make you happy and secure. But you see Liz...

She was almost in tears.

"...I never asked for this. I can't help being who I am. Maybe it's wrong to ask you or even expect you to love me back. But I'm only human. It hurts when I'm being forced away by the one I love the most. "

I wanted to forget all barriers and pull her in for a tight hug just so she would feel a little better but I refrained.

"Liz.. " she leaned in closer.

I should have backed away. I shouldn't have let it happen but I felt possessed by her. I needed it. I wanted it as much. I knew what was gonna happen next. My heart felt so light and fast. Her red lips inched closer. Soft as a feather, her lips landed on mine. I lost all sense I used to have. For a moment, I was at perfect ease.. A world of euphoria, cloud nine empire. I knew I need her. I want her. Forever. Only her. Mine. And mine alone.

But when we broke the kiss, I came back to my senses. I turned away and felt guilty. I just kissed a girl. From the corner of my eyes, I saw Ella turning away too.

"I love you Liz, " she said. "Please don't be too hasty in making decisions. "

I battled inside. My ego amazed me. I still couldn't get used to that.

"I think.... " I trailed, not knowing how to say it. "...you should go to Jenny. "

Ella didn't say anything. But i could see from the look on her face that she'd been crushed.

"Im sorry, " I added, not knowing why I even added it. It wasn't like it was gonna help her feel any better. But she had turned away.

I thought I was doing the right thing. A very hard right thing.

"No, " she said in a very low voice. "I'm sorry. For believing I could call you mine."