Moving In With The Enemy

Chapter 20 ~ "I Never Have"

I haven't felt like myself since last weekend.

It's been really weird for me to get through a day, strange even, and I just don't know what's supposed to make me feel better.

I've been pushing myself into school work but that's not helping me anymore. My first honour's thesis presentation is on Monday at school and I'm really nervous that I won't be able to do the job I normally do. 

I've been prepared for well over two weeks for it, it's my research after all and it's important to me for it to do a good job on it. I want my board of reviewers to support my presentation and my thesis....but I just haven't been getting enough rest. My mind feels fried up and my body has been in physical pain since Saturday night.

Nobody will ever tell you how much doing CPR for an extended time wears out your body. On top of all of my swimming, that was tough on my body. My legs were seizing up after the weekend and I found it hard to walk down the stairs to our apartment door everyday.

I found it hard to do everything, hard to get out of bed, hard to eat, hard to shower. It shouldn't bother me this much that I'd done a rescue at the pool. That was my job, it was part of it and it was bound to happen sooner or later. I'd been a lifeguard for five years and it would be stupid of me to think something like this couldn't happen.

So why can't I just get over this?

I've always been so strong about things, I've never felt this way before.

"Annie." I hear and Mark sits down at the table next to me. "You've been.....staring at the wall for a while."

"Sorry." I sigh, shaking my head, eyes returning to my food. It was oatmeal, but it didn't seem appealing. It was just what was easiest to make.

"Are you feeling any better about this whole thing?" He asks and I sigh.

"I don't know." I mumble with a shrug. "I can't sleep still and I don't know what to do, I haven't heard anything about it and.....I just have too much other stuff going on. I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow and I-"

"So tell them you're not ready." He insists and I shake my head.

"Mark, I have to be ready. I've lost a whole week of shifts and I can't afford to financially take anymore time off." I admit, running my hands over my face. "I feel like everything would be so fine if I could just sleep for more than an hour at a time."

"Is there......someone you could talk to? Like your supervisor or something? There must be some resource for you guys." He insists and I chew the inside of my cheek.

"If I do, there's a chance I might just get pulled from work without me wanting to." I sigh. 

"Annie, you're not yourself." He says quietly and I nod quietly. "You can't do that, you need to deal with it."

"I have, I've tried so many times. I think I just need some sleep." I mumble, running my hands over my face. "My thesis presentation is on Monday and I'm really nervous, and I don't know what happened to that girl, I'm stressed out about money because I've been away from work-"

"Hey, it's going to be alright." He insists and I blow out a tense breath. "We can help you with the rent this month if it comes to that, you've been working on your thesis for weeks and I know you're worried about that girl. But you need to try and keep positive."

"I know." I breathe and he gives me a half smile. "I'm trying."

"Look....I don't want to leave, but I have practice and then I have to swing by my prof's office." He says and I shake my head.

"No, I wouldn't ask you to stay." I assure him.

"Try and get some rest, Dus and Walker shouldn't be back until later." He says and I nod. "It should be quiet."