Now All That's Left is Dust

Chapter Thirty-Two

Chapter Thirty-Two

Regret

"Bakit mo ba ginagawa ito, Nathaniel?"

Nagtatanong at nagtataka, tinitigan ko siya ng maiigi na parang nandoon ang sagot sa gwapo at bwusit niyang mukha. Na para ring paniniwalaan ko ang sasabihin niya. All those silent screams and scorching pain taught me not to trust someone's words anymore... especially if its Nathaniel's.

"Bakit?" tanong niya pabalik.

"Oo."

"Nasabi ko na kanina. I am still in love with you. So, you choose. You'll kiss me, or I'll kiss you?"

"Ang unfair mo."

"Unfair?" mabagal niyang sambit sa salita.

"Oo. Nang iniwan mo ako at sinaktan, hindi mo ako binigyan ng mapagpipilian. Ngayon na gusto mong ibalik ang lahat sa dati, ganoon pa rin. Walang pinagkaiba. You're still being an asshole."

"Why?"

"Why? You tried acting like those men in the novels. Iyong hindi binibigyan ng choice ang babae dahil bentang-benta sa mga hopeless romantic na mambabasa. Sa tingin mo nakakakilig ang ginawa mo?"

"Bakit hindi ba?"

"Hindi." matigas kong sagot.

"Why not?"

"Because I am not one of those soft, vulnerable, lonely, miserable women who need rescuing every day. You all think women are meant to be controlled, aren't you? You often see us as objects to be possessed. But, Newsflash, misters, not every woman needs a dashing possessive asshole with six-packs abs and seven inches dick."

Itinulak ko siya papalayo sa akin saka umayos ng upo. Itinuon ang tingin sa unahan kaya hindi ko na nakita ang reaksyon niya. Sa totoo lang, umiinit na ang ulo ko sa kanya. Gusto ko nang magwala. Pero alam kong walang magagawa ang pagwawala ko. Ang dapat kong gawin ay kumalma.

"That's one of the reasons why I love you."

Muli ko siyang nilingon nang marinig ang sinabi niya.

"Unlike others, you're not desperate for attention. You know how to respect yourself... enough to give yourself everything you deserve. You know that self-love is not all about looking pretty from the outside but loving yourself despite all the scars and accepting your flaws no matter how ugly they are."

Ngumiti siya ng tipid at tinitigan ako ng mga ilang saglit bago siya lumayo sa akin at bumalik sa upuan niya na may kasamang malalim na pagbuntong-hininga.

"But on the negative side, it made me so difficult on my part to win your heart again."

Tumingin siya sa unahan.

"It was my fault—all mine. Perhaps I was so busy trying to pick myself up and making peace with my nightmares that I forgot how to love you a little more. Believe me, if I say that, I also had nights when I couldn't embrace myself and sleep because I didn't know what was worse? Breaking the person you love the most or breaking yourself piece by piece?"

His smile became dry as he shook his head.

"I don't know. I'm feeling hopeless. I was the villain in every chapter and had never been the leading man. Natatakot ako sa epilogue nito."

"Paano kung sa epilogue hindi tayo ang magkakahawak-kamay, Nathaniel? Anong mararamdaman mo?"

Ibinaling niya ang tingin sa akin at tinitigan ako nang mataman.

"Okay lang. Basta nakangiti at masaya ka sa kabanata na iyan kahit hindi kamay ko ang hawak mo, pipilitin kong maging masaya para sa'yo."

Hindi sumagot sa sinabi niya. Mas pinili kong titigan na lang siya pabalik.