What The End Looks Like | ✓

33: lacey

"Which one is next?" I ask, taking a handful of popcorn as I look over at Ruth. Dean is asleep, yet is still holding onto me tightly. I think one of his love languages is touch because he's always holding onto me.

The last two days since I got home have been filled with movies. Well, movies and morphine. I giggle slightly at the thought of that becoming an ad campaign some day and Cassidy gives me a weird look from where she sits diagonal from us in the arm chair.

"It's up to you," Ruth says, passing the remote over to me.

We're watching a lot of older ones because they have a timeless feel to them. We just finished Sleepless in Seattle and I'm trying to think of other Meg Ryan movies. I've always wanted blonde hair like hers, but sadly I'm stuck with a mousy brown instead.

"What about When Harry Met Sally?" I ask, right as Boo sneaks up and steals a few pieces of popcorn from my hand. I sigh defeatedly and drop the popcorn onto the floor for him to eat.

Dean took him to meet with the potential adopter, but she decided that it wasn't going to be the right fit. I scratch him behind his left ear and his tail wags quickly.

"Sounds good to me." Cassidy says and I click start before leaning back into Dean.

His arms tighten around me again and he mumbles something in his sleep, or at least I think he's still asleep. For all I know, all my moving around could have woken him up, but he can sleep through almost anything. "Love you Lacey."

I raise my eyebrows in shock because he's never said those words before. It wasn't I love you, but kinda close if you think about it?

One look at Ruth tells me that she didn't hear anything so I can't ask her for confirmation.

Dean's been pretty great and has done his best to make this all normal. It's hard going anywhere when I'm more tired every hour and that I need to stay hooked up to the cannula. I got sent home with a portable one and an array of medicine for hospice.

But do I love Dean?

I feel... complete when I'm with him. Like everything is going to be okay. I've always felt that way around him and I certainly haven't always loved him. Dean's infuriating and so indecisive that I want to tear his head off sometimes.

Except I've never not been able to rely on him. He took care of me the one and only time I've been drunk, he's staying by my side through all of this. I can't think of a time since I've met him where he hasn't been there.

Dean makes sense. I think I do love him. 

I trace circles on the back of Dean's hand as I try to focus on the movie. As much as I wanted to refuse taking the cannula home, it really does help me breathe easier. I still struggle to take deep breaths so I've resigned to more shallow breaths to support myself.

It's frustrating.

My parents are out getting groceries now to busy themselves. Ruth and Xavier are staying indefinitely, as are my parents. Xavier is in the kitchen working to keep up with what's going on at the office. Everyone in Bristol knew I was sick and that Ruth is practically my mom's other daughter so her work told her to take all the time she needed. I guess that's the perks of coming from a small town.

I'm being selfish thinking this but Dean's suspension from work really couldn't have come at a better time.

Mom has instructed that my phone be plugged in at all times and the ringer be at full volume so if a heart does become available, we'll know. I'm not holding out hope. Hope is dangerous and I've accepted it. They haven't yet.