What The End Looks Like | ✓

36: dean

My fingers trace over the loopy handwriting, following the curve of each letter. I shake my head because I know the words by heart.

I stopped at Paige's before I came. It's the first time I've seen her in weeks and we just talked. Her clarity and friendship have been missed.

It's understood that there won't ever be an us again. I can't go backwards and be with Paige again. I don't trust her. I told her it's nothing to take personally.

You can't be with someone you don't trust.

But I made my amends like Lacey asked.

If she were here I think I'd tell her that I'd do anything for her. And I would. I am. I'm following her instructions, exactly like she wanted me to.

I hold the letters tightly in my hand as I look at the sun setting over the skyline. It's a beautiful sight, and it gives me clarity. I'm here often enough that the crew working the entrance downstairs know me by name.

I come whenever I can. Seeing everything up here helps me feel better about being blind before.

Lace... she was incredible.

If I hadn't heard her calling out in that fire, I'd probably still be confused as hell and trying to make things work with Paige. My life would be so different. If I'd taken the day off or if Jonah had told me to report somewhere else on the scene.

I had no idea that carrying the waitress with a sprained ankle out of that building would change everything so drastically.

Dean,

Where do I start? You are the last thing I expected to happen to me. I was content with where I was leaving things with my friends and family. I came to New York for an adventure, for something new. I wanted Ruth and my parents to experience life without me because I knew I wouldn't always be there.

I know I never admitted it, but I did come to the station to ask you out. I was so embarrassed and mortified to find out I was one of many that I just wanted to leave. Then you proposed being friends; I agreed because you seemed like a nice guy. You are a nice guy. I didn't have any friends here and I figured if we weren't going to go out, then I might as well make a friend out of the whole situation.

It's cruel of me to hide my condition. I'm so sorry. I had so many chances and opportunities. I thought about it the time you took me to the Empire State Building and so many times after that. The bucket list you were so hell bent on learning about was never for me. It was for Ruth. I did happen to cross a few things off myself that I didn't expect to like moving to the city. The things on the list were ideas we had together.

I didn't expect to get so close to you. I didn't expect to start falling asleep next to you, to start leaning on you, to fall for you. I should have with the way I was drawn to you like a moth to a flame. All flames burn out eventually.

There was so much more for us to experience. But you'll do great things, I know it. I have a few requests for you in your own version of a bucket list.

1. Ride a freaking mechanical bull. Bonus points if you stay on longer than ten seconds.

2. Make things right. You know what I'm talking about. It'll be hard, but worth it.

3. Go see the Northern Lights. You'll love them. I've heard they're incredible.

4. Skydiving! We talked about this one so it's only right that you finish it.

5. Do something that makes you happy.

Forgive me,