-nova friday • 5:21 p.m as I stand in the bathroom mirror—naked,admiring my figure, running my fingers over my stomach, glancing over the string of cuts littering my upper thighs and lower arms. I look once more at the body that stared back at me in the mirror and sighed. I set my phone down on the bathroom sink, shuffling my music.
stepping in the shower, I feel the hot water refreshing my skin. I spend the next 30 minutes in there before getting out, drying my body off and tightly wrapping my towel around my body. sitting on the bed, I oil my my skin.
"Elise!" I hear my grandmother call from downstairs in the kitchen. after putting on my clothes, I make my way downstairs to greet my grandmother in the kitchen where she has a spread of food sitting on the island. I come and stand next to her at the stove.
"ma'am?" I ask, watching her turn the stove off and turning towards me with a look of slight sorrow. "I know we were supposed to spend some time together tonight, but I got called in to work...an overnight shift.." She says with a soft tone.
I mentally sigh, giving her a weak smile and squeezing her upper arm. She works at the nearby hospital as a receptionist. Usually she works about 3 times a week, just to get out of the house. Sometimes I think she gets tired of being cooped up in the house with me all day, especially because she homeschools me. Also, I don't really go out because I virtually dont have any friends.
"It's okay nana, I get it. We can hang out some other time." I reassure her as I feel her gaze on me as I walk around her, grabbing a plate to help myself to the food she made.
"are you sure? because you know I can call off.." she says, continuing her gaze of me piling food onto my plate. I open the drawer, grabbing a fork as I respond to her before taking my first bite.
I've been open with my grandma about my mental health, maybe not to the full extent...but we've definitely talked about it and sometimes i feel like she thinks if she leaves me, something bad will happen.
"no no, its okay. I understand. i'll be fine here." I say, sitting at the island, shoveling my food into my mouth enjoying the taste of her authentic cooking.
She stares at me wearily before turning back around to begin cleaning the kitchen before she leaves for work. I silently finish my food as I watch her.
• • • 10:32 p.m After my nana left, I decided to take a nap. A few hours later I woke up. I sit in my bed, with the only source of light coming from Bob's burgers which played lowly on the tv in front of me. From the corner of my eye, I see my phone light up from a notification. As I pick up my phone, I notice it's from twitter, so I open the app. To my surprise, I see i have a few retweets on the post I made before my nap.
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I feel like twitter is an outlet for me. I have about 10 followers who I don't even know so i just tweet how I feel. I look through the very few interactions it got to see a profile picture i've never seen before. curiosity got the best of me as I clicked the black and white profile picture that showed the word 'Numb' tattooed underneath an eye. on the page showed hundreds and hundreds of tweets ranging from random tweets about tv shows to tweets wishing they were dead. for the next few minutes I scroll through his media, looking at the two or three pictures he had posted since he made the account a couple of years ago.
he's kinda cute, I thought, maybe i can get his attention. Briefly taking my attention off his pictures, I see a soundcloud link. again, my curiosity getting the best of me, i click it leading me to a page where the title read 'I spoke to the devil in miami, he said everything would be fine' with the name 'XXXTENTACION' right underneath. soon enough soft sounds of a piano began to fill the room.
And I'm always where the Sun don't shine, the Tears don't show, won't Hurt me now 'cause Heart's been broke, I Hate myself but It won't show, I Constantly lose all My remorse. (song is in mm)
after finishing the song, my heart instantly felt heavy. I love artists that I could feel their emotions through the song. I became intrigued and decided to search on the page, only finding a few other songs which simply enough sounded like the first one. I went back to twitter, sending the tweet with the soundcloud link to him asking "is this your music?"
I've never been one to seek out boys or even relationships, but he was cute and if this was his music that gave me chills from the pain in his voice, i had to know more. In real time—almost instantly i watch him read my message. My heart skips a beat. I dont know why i was feeling like this over a boy. especially one 4i had never even met or even talked to but my body didn't get the memo.
! @makeouthillvr
yeah. 11:04 p.m ✓✓
for some reason, i felt like he wouldn't reply, but now that he did, i should keep the conversation going....right?
i really like it, it makes me feel something lol 11:04 p.m ✓✓ that's my goal. 11:06 p.m ✓✓
whats your name? 11:07 p.m ✓✓ jah. 11:12 p.m ✓✓
"jah...that's pretty cute" I said out loud to no one in particular. I feel like he has a barricade around him— something i want to be inside of. Something i want to know more about.
i like that. you have anymore music? i would love to listen.. 🙂 11:13 p.m ✓✓
https://soundcloud.app.goo.gl /EP3GxHWAiDCh2rW39 11:26 p.m ✓✓ tell me what you think. 11:26 p.m ✓✓
